Time for a Protection Order

My ex has really been escalating the past few weeks. Between text messages, voice mails and Facebook, he's made it pretty clear how he feels about me. Last night, however, he really crossed the line.

You'll recall at the beginning of the month that my account got hacked on Facebook and my Yahoo account. That crazy email was also sent to my ex. Last night I discovered an email sent by him earlier in the evening in response to the one sent out by my hacker. The reply said, "Stay in eurpoe u fuckn bitch hopefully u get shot." Reading this made my stomach turn.

He also sent a friend request to my oldest daughter who has never really had any contact with him in ten years. He believes we have a new phone number and was trying to get it out of her. We don't have a "real" phone number so she had no idea what he was talking about. I had her delete him from her friends list and block him.

Harassing my father on Facebook was his next logical step. He sent a friend request and my father immediately shut him down. I gotta admit, my father's reply to it did make me smile, "pay your child support dirtbag" which my ex responded to very negatively. Unfortunately the harassment continued so my father deleted his own Facebook profile (which really ticks me off).

Of course I have many text reminders from him that I am a "fuckn bitch". And we can't forget the statements he's made to my kids about me "not being worth [his] time" and that I am "a waste of air".

So, now's the time to reinstate the no contact order. It's really sad. I don't know why he can't just grow up and be civil. Why does he have to do these things to my kids, my family and me?

Prick Olympics?

I'm certain my fucktard of an ex could take the gold medal. He sent a friend request on Facebook to my oldest daughter (who is not his child and has had almost zero contact with him ever) because he is convinced I gave him a fake phone number (never mind that he just called the kids on it two days ago.) Then he sends a friend request to MY FATHER! So my father gives the perfect reply to this ass's friend request, "Pay your child support dirt bag!" Sometimes it just pays to have an alcoholic for a father, LOL!

I am really irritable tonight and finding myself wanting to drink. I do have a bottle of Arbor Mist (which really isn't alcohol IMO) but I just am not in the mood for wine. I don't-not let me correct that-I won't go to the store and buy some beer. I am on day 2 of my period and am agitated and I know it will just make me crash into a mixed episode.

My soldier has finally answered an IM. I am shocked. He is not doing well after his deployment. I figured as much but he says he is getting help. I hope he isn't lying about it. I miss talking with him. Probably not a good thing. It's hard not to. My husband is basking in his glory after getting the award in Washington D.C. and is too busy making lesbian coworkers jealous of him getting a photo and autograph from Abby (Pauley Perette) from NCIS (amongst other celebs). He just doesn't seem to think about me much...

Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I want or expect too much from my husband. I don't know. I am dissatisfied, that's for sure but I am not sure if it is him or what?

I did have a great birthday. And he was thoughtful and full of surprises. I was actually a little suspicious because he not only got an unexpected gift, he also got one for me from all four kids AND he ordered a cake.  Can someone say "Holy Shit!" This is the same man who hasn't done gifts even for Christmas or my previous birthdays. He was ALWAYS late...like it was an afterthought. It would hurt so bad.

But this year, he not only did all of that but he also got things I would like...that were really for me! That makes me think I am being a picky bitch. But man, some days I feel so far down the food chain from him that I wonder if he even notices me...

I hate being on my period. It makes my mind so crazy.

Whew, where to begin...

I have to begin by saying I am EXHAUSTED! And, I forgot to take my pills this morning so I'm a little...elevated.

So, last time I blogged, I had been hacked. A lot has happened since then. I went to Washington D.C. with my husband for a week and had an AMAZING time! Actually, we were in Virginia for 4 nights and spent 3 nights in D.C. We went to Arlington National Cemetery, Lincoln Memorial, WWII Memorial, Washington Monument, Air & Space Museum, Holocaust Museum, Vietnam Veteran's Memorial, Iwo Jima Memorial, ummm.....man, we saw so many things. I took nearly 1000 pictures while we were there!

We went to the White House and met the President and U.S. Attorney General. We also went to an awards ceremony followed by an awesome reception in the hotel we stayed at. We had pictures taken and autographs from Pauley Perrette (NCIS-Abby); David McCullum (NCIS: Ducky); Jeremy Ratchford from Cold Case; the guy from 24 (I forget his name...something foreign) along with Eames and Stabler from Law & Order CI and SVU. OH and I almost forgot...JOHN WALSH! 

My husband saved my tastebuds from imminent destructions by informing me that what I was about to eat was NOT cheesecake and blueberries but some kind of crappy cheese and beluga caviar. Can someone say ICK! Thank God he didn't wait to tell me until AFTER I put it in my mouth (although I should have guessed since it isn't normal to have crackers next to cheesecake and blueberries, right?) We had our 10th anniversary while there and the trip was more or less the honeymoon we never had. It was a great trip!

Let's see...I finished school. Passed all classes except Algebra. I decided to take the summer off and am looking forward to the break. Three of my four children have decided to home school so I will be preparing for that this summer. I am working as a housekeeper at a nearby lake that has cabins and rooms for rent. It's not glamorous but it's honest and pays good. I actually really like it. Any mom can clean better than a pro!

I have so much to write about but my brain is so scattered right now since I am unmedicated. I can't think very clearly. So, rather than ramble on and confusing the hell out of everyone, I'm going to call it quits for now and check in tomorrow maybe.

Facebook & Yahoo HACKED!

Oh I am freaking pissed! Some asshole hacked my Facebook account and an old Yahoo email account that I use for spam mail. A mass email was sent out to my family and friends:

"I am caught up in a real mess and i need your help. I'm sorry I didn't inform you about my trip ,I had a trip to the London,United Kingdom and a bizarre thing happened to me.I was mugged at gun point last night, the muggers carted away with all my belongings excluded my passport.Cell,c-card,cash and some important documents are all gone.

I was able to make contact with the Uk Police and i was directed to the Embassy, but they seems to be taking things too slow. So i have limited access to emails for now, please i need you to lend me some money so i can make arrangements and return back I am full of panic now,the police only asked me to write a statement about the

incident and directed me to the embassy,i have spoken to the embassy here but they are not responding to the matter effectively, I will return the money back to you as soon as i get home, I am so confused right now.i wasn't injured because I complied immediately.I can't cry cause that won't solve my problem, please come to my Aid

I need your help so urgently.. My flight leaves pretty soon but i am having problems sorting out the hotel bills and also need getting my ticket straightened out. I need your help. I need a quick loan to get things fixed out here, I promise to refund as soon as i get back home.. please reply asap. so i can tell what to do and how to get the money to me..

Hope to read from you soon.."

Then it is signed with my first and last name. UGH!!! Even more creepy is that a friend of mine was on Facebook when the person who hacked my Facebook IMed her and started telling her about being "mugged at gunpoint" etc. She said I seemed mad at her and then I deleted her. So she called me, upset, wanting to know what she did wrong. At the same time, my sister is texting me wanting to know WTF and here I am changing passwords and doing damage control.

THANKFULLY Facebook caught it VERY quickly and disabled my account. I went ahead and disabled my Yahoo account and changed all of my other accounts that had it as an alternate email address for password recovery.

UGH I hate cyberassholes!

Eh Today...

Not up. Not down. Just "eh".

I saw my oldest daughter today. She went to stay with friends of mine up north to get some "intervention". She is doing really good and I was glad to see her happy, relaxed and smiling. I felt a little awkward and she did too...a little. One the drive home I felt like crying a little because I do miss her. That and Aunt Flow has been hanging around the last few days.

My hubby finally fixed the dryer yesterday. So my goal for today was to conquer the laundry which has procreated faster than freaking rabbits! I hate doing laundry but I hate laundry piling up even more than I hate doing it.

So, we leave for Washington D.C. on Sunday-Mother's Day. I am not sure how I feel about it. Money is so tight. I want to go but then again I don't. I'm still adjusting to the increase in mood stabalizer so I don't feel full blown depressed at this point...but I don't feel fantastic either. Now I understand what my PNP meant when she said some patients don't take their pills because they like mania. I'll take manic over this anyday!

I finished two classes and have three to go. As usual I'm procrastinating. I have a couple exams and two or three papers to write. I just can't do it in a messy house especially knowing that my father is showing up in 3 days. If only I didn't live with distant members of the pork family...

Well, time to restart the dryer. I'm kicking ass today with laundry...now have to actually put all the crap away...WORST part I think!

Controlling Stress

For me, taking medication consistently and on time helps. It doesn't help control the stressful things around me, but helps me better cope with the stress I experience. I hate that I have Bipolar disorder because sometimes it is so hard to control my thoughts and the things I say. Hateful words can burst from my lips before I even realize what I'm saying (at which time the damage is done).

I find that when I forget to take the medicine, I am more sensitive to my environment and tend to overreact to those normal everyday annoyances. I am too easily annoyed with my husband and kids. I then snap at them for the slightest thing...for instance my son called me for a phone number and my first instinct was to throw my phone across the room because people wouldn't quit calling me. I had to stop myself from slamming it down on the counter (it's one of those Blackberry Smart Phones) instead chewing my son a new one. I had forgot to take my pills the day before and started drinking alcohol which caused my mood to plummet. I am still recovering from that slip.

The medications help me not be PMS on steroids. This article explains, " Several disorders that are characterized by psychotic symptoms can be treated using antipsychotics. Some such disorders are bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and postpartum psychosis. Further on, they may be used as mood stabilizers. People suffering from chronic stress often experience extreme mood swings. Antipsychotics can help stabilize the mood and help deal better with stress and related conditions."

I underlined the part about people having extreme mood swings who have chronic stress because that is definitely me. Most of the stress is beyond my control-really, who wants to have negative stress in their life? I have set up an account at Mood Tracker which sends me text messages every day reminding me to take my medication and to make an entry into my daily journal. It also sends alerts to my husband on his phone if I log a mood that is moderately to severely depressed or elevated (manic). The neat thing about it is that Mood Tracker also alerts my husband if I sleep to little (less than 5 hours) which is an indicator of mania and also if I sleep more than 10 hours (an indicator of depression). I can then print out a monthly chart which to show to my health care provider.

Ultimately I am responsible for my wellbeing. Just like someone with diabetes, I have to follow the regime and take care of myself. When I don't, not only do I suffer, but I cause the suffering of those around me and THAT sucks!

Winding Down...Caitlin Update

This is my last week of school (THANK GOD!) and I've decided to take the summer off. I'm burnt out and three of my four children decided that they want to homeschool so I've need to prepare for having two 5th graders (one who has an IEP) and a 9th grader.

I sent my oldest daughter up north to a ranch owned by friends of mine. She was really getting influenced by her peers in public school and going down the wrong path. I'm sure you recall my rant last month about "Teenagers SUCK". Well this daughter is the main character in that entry.

Anyway, I've pulled her out of public school against her will. She left to go to the ranch on Friday. I am happy to say that I spoke to her yesterday and she already sounds like her old self before public school wrecked her. And I am happy to say that she has already made up her mind to homeschool and she is having a GREAT time on the ranch. She is taking care of (and learning how to break) a baby quarterhorse (A cute little pinto) and a goat that is expected to have kids anyday. In addition to that she has to take care of the chicken, including gathering eggs which she loves except for one rather crabby hen.

The family has foster children...a couple infants and a pregnant teen. My daughter loves babies (but doesn't want any right now) so is in heaven helping out there. Seeing someone so close in age to her who is already pregnant is a real eye-opener and I am glad she is there to witness first hand how much it sucks being a pregnant teen.

These friends of mine have homeschooled all of their children. They are a traditional Christian family who truly live a Christ-centred life. That's not to say that they are narrow-minded fundamentalists. They just have the traditional morals and values that I want my children to have. It's hard to have that here at home since my husband isn't a very active participant...it almost defeats the purpose. But we try.

Anyway, I'm leaving this weekend for Washington D.C. I would love to say I am excited but honestly, I'm not. Money is really tight and I don't know how we are going to pull this off and pay all of the bills too. My husband refuses to get stressed about it but I think he's trying to put on a calm face for my benefit. He's worked some overtime but I don't know if it will be enough.

Ok, update on Caitlin. She is still in the hospital and her mom is still in the Ronald McDonald house. If anyone gets the opportunity or inspiration, PLEASE collect pop tabs or make a donation. My friend has had to utilize them a few times now and it really is a great charity. You can call the main office closest to you and they will send you these cute cardboard houses to put pop tabs in. My daughter did it one year for a Girl Scout project, placing a house in every bar and casino in town!

As for me, I am doing much better now that my meds have been changed. I was SO depressed that I didn't want to even get out of bed. I am so far behind on may obligations and I feel like crap for it. I've got to get my ass in gear and get caught up. UGH, did I mention I HATE being bipolar? I don't know how I am ever going to recover my reputation with having let down so many people.