FUCK FUCK FUCK

Today I am beyond frustrated. I think I am disgusted. Why bother trying anymore? Really? I am SO SICK and tired of asshole people lying their way out of shit. I am even more tired of people not getting off their asses and doing their fucking jobs! If they can't be counted on to do little jobs, how am I supposed to trust they won't fuck up the big jobs?

I'm so pissed off. I think I need to go clean something. But I really want to just scream and lie on my bed doing nothing. I need to go fill my mood stabilizer is what I need to do.

UGH! Crap-ass day!

Well, the court hearing is tomorrow, not today but that's not why it's a crap-ass day.

My daughter was raped. I don't know what to do to help her. She is now 14 but it happened when she was 13. My husband is devastated and naturally wants to kill the guy. He just held my daughter and cried. I wish she would have told us sooner. But we've been in contact with authorities and they are doing their job. I guess we have to trust that things will work out the way their supposed to. In the meantime we have STD tests and whatnot to deal with. 

I hate that this prick did this to her. She doesn't even realize that even though she didn't resist that it was rape. She wanted so badly to remain a virgin until marriage. I knew something was wrong because her behavior was so unlike her the past several months. I asked her many times if she needed to talk about anything and she always told me she didn't. I am so angry that my poor baby has been violated like this. I am almost beyond emotion...it's like a dream and any second I'll wake up and everything will be okay.

My husband feels like a total failure. He feels like he failed her as a step-father and a protector. I feel like shit because she asked to go to the church to play basketball and I wanted to say no only because I was feeling rather bitchy. But I made myself agree and I drove her up there. Had I said no to her, it wouldn't have happened.

I know people say that you can't play the "what if" game. It's hard not to. My thoughts are so jumbled right now. I can't even think.

I was raped when I was about 10 or 11. I told my mother. She didn't do anything. She just told me it was "okay to say no" and even found a stupid pin for me to wear on my shirt that proclaimed that. No police. No doctors. Oh, but she did have me put on birth control "in case it happens again". UGH!

I seriously don't know how to handle this correctly. I know my mother's way wasn't the right way and I have really held bitterness against her ever since. I don't want to overreact but I don't want to under-react either.

*Sigh* I think my daughter hates me. I think she hates me because I told my husband. She just doesn't understand. She'll probably never tell me anything again. 

Big Day Today

Today is going to be a stressful one. I have an appointment in about an hour with my psychologist. I'm not really looking forward to that. I don't like her. It's not because she is buddhist or that she is a lesbian, it's because it seems all she wants to discuss is my past sexual abuse and I am SO tired of talking about it.

I have a plan for today, however. The purpose of my going, in my opinion, is to manage bipolar disorder. So, today's focus is going to be on that. And only that. And that is all we will discuss from here on out throughout this whole forced counseling thing. I really hate that I even have to go to begin with. But, I have to jump through these hoops in order to keep on the program that pays for my medication.

On the bright side, right after I am done with her, I see my nurse who I REALLY like. She is so nice and we have a lot in common. She is fun to talk to and really is there, I feel, to help manage this condition. I wish the psychologist was the same way.

This afternoon I have court. It's for the protection order that was issued three weeks ago against my ex who has been stalking my family and I. I pray to God that the judge extends the order. My son is doing SO much better now and I hate to think of how much stress he is going to endure if his father is allowed to resume contacting him. I have also enjoyed the peace and quiet since his privileges were suspended when the order was issued.

Will update later after court. Wish me luck & pray for God's favor.

Well! Hello Aunt Flow!

I seriously hate the first day of my menstrual cycle. I didn't sleep for shit last night. Between the cramps and my body feeling like it got hit by a train after eight and one-half hours of busting my ass cleaning cabins at the lake, I tossed and turned most of the night.


Took the kids and hubby and dog to the lake on Father's Day. We had fun. I sunbathed while the kids wore themselves out playing in the water. I did manage to go in up to my upper thigh but when it started getting difficult to see my feet, THAT is when I turn around and head back in. I just HATE lakes, rivers, the ocean, etc. I like to look at them but don't like going in. I mean, shit! There are fish in those things that would see me and think, "YUM! Food!" No thanks. I'd like to keep my legs, thank you.


So, three of my four kids decided they want to resume homeschooling. I am a bit excited about it, but also worried. I know I can do it as we've done it before. It's just I'll be finishing up my last six college classes for my degree and, well, my kids weren't very cooperative last spring when they were in public school...I just don't know how well this will work out with them home during the day. Then again, it's only until December. Early December. I can survive that, right?


I think my friend's husband was hitting on me the other night. We went over to have a party, I guess you could say. We made some blended drinks and sat up playing video games until 4 a.m. We all had brought pajamas since we don't drink and drive.


Anyway, at one point I was singing something on Sing Star (I have no clue what anymore) and I don't know what was said but I recall saying that I sounded ridiculous and he remarked something about I sounded "cute". Innocent enough so I didn't say anything. However later on after our spouses went to bed, we sat up playing, still, along with my oldest daughter. He made a comment about we all needed to go to bed (which he was right) and I forget what I said, something to the tune of "No one's stopping you from going to bed." and his reply included asking me if I needed to be "spanked". Um...no I do not.


Anyway, at that point I made a b-line for my husband and the air mattress he was "sleeping" on. I knew he wasn't asleep but he didn't say a word about what my friend's husband said to me nor did he mention it when we woke up. I am a little surprised since I KNOW he heard the exchange...but then again I'm not too surprised since he HATES confrontation and he isn't one to really fight for what is rightfully his...which is a character flaw that annoys the HELL out of me.


The comments made by my friend's husband may not seem bad, but they sent off red flags for me because he has been repeatedly unfaithful to her in the past, even going so far as to sleep with a teenager! My friend says she was 17 but he says she was 19. Regardless, he cheated and I don't like being around him when our spouses aren't around as well.


Other than that, not much new to report. I did manage to get our corn planted today. We've had so much rain lately that it might be too late. Hopefully we will have an Indian Summer so my crops have a bit more time to mature. I need to get some canning and dehydrating done to store up food before winter comes. Especially since it looks like we will spend another winter in this shitty house. UGH I wish my husband would pull his head out and decide what the fuck we're doing! I'm so sick of being in limbo.

WOW, Crazy Times

Ugh, where do I begin?

I have been rapid cycling, I think, for about the past month. I think it is in response to stress but I am not certain at this point. I started having depressive moods after my ex sent me hate email which lead to the restraining order. I was starting to come out of it when my husband and I thought we were going to move from our 3 bedroom house into a 5 bedroom house (every kid would have their own room and I would NEVER have to hear "but I cleaned up MY stuff, it's all his/hers). But it fell through and we are not moving and I actually cried. Yep. Cried. How pathetic.

So, last weekend we invited some close friends over for a BBQ. We decided it would be an overnighter...everyone had to bring pajamas because no one would be driving home. We set up a huge tent outside for all of the kids and built them a fire pit so they could make s'mores while we grownups played video games and cards inside while enjoying some drinks and Jello shots.

My son, 14, comes to me the next afternoon in tears and asks if he can talk to me alone. He is just sobbing. Apparently his girlfriend (whose parents stayed the night) came on pretty strongly in the tent and it freaked him out. Clothes never came off, THANK GOD, but even though he resisted, she dared him to basically dry hump her, so, he did. And he felt SO BAD. I stood in the kitchen as he confessed and held him while he cried his eyes out for nearly 15 minutes. Poor kid.

That I handled well. The next day I was on the phone with my father.I was telling him about what went on with my son. As we are talking, his twin sister is listening while she cleaned the kitchen. I notice after awhile that she is crying. When I question her, she gets hysterical and all she can say is that she was sorry she lied.

Ok....?

Well, to make a long story short, my daughter is no longer a virgin. And she lied about it twice. I didn't freak out. I hugged her and allowed her to cry it out on my shoulder. Granted, I wanna kill the little fuck that stole it from her. But what can I do? It was a couple months ago. I guess it had been eating her up inside for awhile.

Well, the past several days I have been hypomanic. I am certain it is stress related..shock related. I don't know. But I did make an appointment with my PNP and my Psychologist for next week. I need to figure out what my triggers are and formulate a plan that will help my husband know what to do when he sees certain signs.

Anyway...it's almost 2 a.m. here and I need to get some Bible time in before going to sleep. So, will have to write again later. I SO need to go to bed.