Happy New Year

Things are off to an alright start. I found out I have to repeat 2 classes for college in order to graduate in May. I will be SO glad to be done with school. Now, if only I can find a job...I was really hoping we'd have a new sheriff because the current one is an asshole and won't even allow me to tour the jail for one of my classes. Stupid. Oh well. Joke's on him I guess because when I am done in May, I will be the first person in our county to be certified as a Reserve Officer. Not that it will do me any good since he cut the reserve program. But at least I will have it and hopefully it will give me an edge in the employment market. I am actually thinking about border patrol...hmm...I wonder if I could stay living where I am. Can't really move since we just bought a house.

The hubby is doing good. I think he is getting tired of being a cop. He is talking about college again. It's getting ugly out there for cops all across our country. Every day the thought of him not coming home is in the back of my mind but I stuff it away. I know that day could come and I think I am prepared for it only because I know if he is killed in the line of duty, he will have died doing what he loved. I just wish he knew that he didn't have to be a cop to be a hero because he was a hero to me when we met 11 years ago...

We're getting buried in snow. Another 8 or so inches is supposed to fall on the 40 inches we've already received. UGH. Even worse is that the temperatures are supposed to drop to -20F to -30F before adding wind chill so it's REALY going to suck. I really am seriously thinking about moving to Arizona. My husband laughs. I don't think he knows how serious I am about it. I love our home here. And I am very happy here. But MAN! The cold is unreal!

There is so much more I could write about but I seriously need to go to bed.

He's being a dick

Big explosion today. My husband has been on the path of never ending asshole and I'm so fed up. He and my oldest son go around in circles. I am so sick of the bitching and arguing and bad attitudes. I didn't agree to this when I agreed to let my husband move back home.

My mood is slowly circling the drain on a downward spiral. I tried to communicate with my husband through text but it just pisses me off even more. I don't like him much when he is around. I've noticed the whole dynamic of this family changes when he wakes up or when he gets home from work.

I'm so irritated with the whole situation that I can't even vent which pisses me off even more. I think I'm just going to go clean something and go to bed. Fuck it all.

Ah, the latest

This chicky has not updated in quite awhile. My apologies to those who miss my often random moments of venting rage. 

I, actually, am doing alright. I'm still unmedicated at the moment...not sure if that is good or not. I haven't killed anyone...but I am REALLY behind in college, my house is a wreck AND I've gained 15 pounds. UGH!

Nonetheless, I am starting round 2 of the HCG diet (where I previously lost 23 pounds in 31 days). Only this time I am going to follow the phase 3 to the letter. I always have to break the rules just to see if they really need to be followed. On the bright side, I am still down 8 pounds from when I began so all is not lost, right!?

I've bought a farm and moved. We have 31 chickens, 1 gander named Duck who thinks he is a hen, a horse, 2 cats and a dog. In two days 6 ducklings will join the mix and I am SUPER excited! I have over a dozen egg customers now and it seems I need more hens to keep up! And I love my little hens, especially this red one that runs out to me each time I approach her like I am her long lost friend! Needless to say, she has taught me to always carry a treat in my pocket just for her. However, the other hens are catching on...I did give them 1/2 a loaf of homemade bread in my desperation to reward them for the attention they showered upon me. Who'd have though so much validation could come from a hen!

Two of my kids are homeschooling and the other two are teetering on the verge of joining their homeschooled siblings. I've been hesitant, honestly, because it has been nice to get a break from the one while he is in school. He does ok. But when he gets in a mood, it's all I can do not to knock him out! UGH! The kid knows how to aggravate me in the least amount of time necessary! I blame it on his father's DNA.

I am wiped out from hunting. I hope to get back on here and fill in the gaps, but as I am unmedicated, I am not making promises as to when that will be. Becoming a farmer has kept me SO busy! But I am loving every minute of it!

My Enneagram Test Results

free enneagram test

It's been a few years since I took this test and not surprisingly, it says I am still a Type 2 personality. What I didn't know from the previous one, was that I am also tied in three other personality types (5, 7 and 8) by only one point less than Type 2. This is interesting to me as I am also a Gemini (accused of having a "dual personality" which I don't ascribe to) and I've been diagnosed "Bipolar" but this makes me think that perhaps it is just my personality, who I am. Why should I try to medicate away the essence of what makes me...me?

DOMINATE:

Type 2 (score 7/8)

The Helper

The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

SUB-DOMINATE:

Type 5 (score 6/8)

The Investigator

The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type 7 (score 6/8)

The Enthusiast

The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on-the-go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type 8 (score 6/8)

The Challenger

The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous and inspiring.

From the Mama:

My friend whose 13-year-old son died in a car wreck two week ago wrote this on her Facebook page about a dream she had where she saw her son again: 

"‎"I tried to get back to sleep to be right there again for just another moment with Gabe, but you know that doesn't happen. So, after a time of crying, I talked to God. He let me look at it through Gabe's eyes, if he returned. "I was there only for a moment!!! Why did you bring me back? It was so much fun!" Then I thought how cruel I would be to ask for him to come back. Though it's probably been like a moment/few seconds to him, it's been 2 weeks for us...and why would anyone want to leave heaven where they are finally COMPLETE and come back to this chaos here on earth? I wouldn't want to come back. Ozy, about a month or so ago, made a statement on fb that if he goes, don't ask for him to come back. As others have said, if we understood the beauty, joy, peace that awaits us (and BEST OF ALL, WE'D SEE AND BE WITH JESUS!) we would want to be there NOW. =) Thank you Lord for helping me through that one!"

Isn't she amazing! Here, we mourn those who left us and joined God in Heaven. We think about how short their lives were and everything they are missing out on here in this world and how unfair it is that we have to continue our lives without them. But really, we should be rejoicing! They are gone from the sickness and disease, the pain and suffering, the uncertainty...we want them back, not because where they are is so terrible, but because we don't want to continue living our lives without them.

I bet God felt the same thing, especially when He knew the agony Jesus would suffer before joining His Father in Heaven. I bet God, in His perfect loving way, would have rather not allowed Jesus to suffer so greatly.

I have a song that started in my head:

Big Surprise

I posted a while back about how my ex was acting crazy and sending hate email and whatnot which led to my having to get a restraining order. When we went in to court, the order was lifted and I was just devastated because of the effect my ex's behavior was having on our son who has autism.

Well, yesterday I received an order in the mail from the courts modifying our parenting plan. I was immediately sick to my stomach and didn't want to read it. I never expected to read what the judge ordered.

1. I have sole decision making authority

2. My ex's contact is to be supervised at a place of my choice and at his expense.

3. He gets two 8-hour visits twice monthly except for June and August which increase to six 12-hour visits. No overnight without my approval.

4. He has to give 72 hours notice before a visit and has to file it with the court as well. I cannot deny it without good cause and must file it with the court.

5. He can have telephone contact at reasonable times and the calls can be monitored by me for proper content.

All I can say is...WOW. I didn't see that coming at all. I thought the judge screwed me over in court. I guess I was wrong.

He has a message for those who are hurting: