He has a message for those who are hurting:

Why do they have to die?

My son found out tonight that a friend of his was killed in a car accident this morning. His father was driving, somehow the vehicle rolled and the boy, age 13, was thrown from the vehicle. My son is so upset. There seems to be an epidemic of children dying in car accidents lately. I just don't get it. How many people have to die before they make seatbelt use a priority?

Kids don't have to die. Buckle them up for God's sake!

I'm better today

I am feeling better although I did NOT want to get out of bed. I don't think I am feeling depressed...just tired from all the stress.

Yesterday after court I came home and was SO upset. It feels like everything is going to shit lately...my husband caused us to lose out on moving into a bigger house last month because he procrastinated. But something better came up unexpectedly and we were in agreement to go for this other one instead because we would be buying instead of renting. I was ecstatic!

However, my father called me on Tuesday (I believe it was) and sounded frustrated. He'd spoke with my husband earlier (sort of-my husband was watching a movie and didn't really talk). My father got the impression that my husband isn't interested in the house anymore and it baffles him. So, dad calls me wanting to know what's going on.

I know nothing because my husband hasn't said a word to me about changing his mind. And I'm a bit pissed to hear from my father who lives two states away that my husband doesn't want to leave this town-ever. Well, what the hell?

So, my husband says he wants to look for something "in town" (this house is about 6 miles from the city limits) but I protested. I told him that if he expected me to give up my career aspirations (which is to go into the field of forensics) than he was going to have to agree to live in a house OUTSIDE of town that had enough room for the kids to have their horses, chickens, cows, whatever.

He was silent.

So, yesterday was a terrible day because of what happened in court. When I got home, my husband saw I was upset but stayed in his recliner watching television. I was near tears. When he finally asked how it went, I blurted out that it sucked, I'm sick of living here, I was applying for a job 150 miles away and if I got hired, the kids and I are LEAVING. 

I know he won't leave his job. So, that doesn't really leave us anywhere. We just had our 10th anniversary and here we are with different life paths, different goals, different desires. 

It's hard to think about. I mean, when we were separated for 7-8 months, I became used to being single and I was starting to feel like I would be okay without him. When he asked to come back home, I hesitated. I wanted to honor my marriage vows and give it another shot. But I also felt that, because this was the 4th time in 10 years that he has wanted out of the relationship, that it was only a matter of time before it happened again. 

Well, he's not exactly taking off. It's just that I had goals that I began working on when divorce seemed imminent. I started college with plans to transfer to a university in another state. I had managed to get my shit together to financially support 4 kids on my own (he is step-dad). And I had met someone who I was interested in spending some time with.

I made it very clear to him that I would NOT stay in this area forever. He said he understood and it was fine. Now, here we are 1 year later in a stand-off because I want to leave and he wants to stay.

Well, I'm leaving it in God's hands. If I get the job I am applying for, I am leaving. If I don't, I will stay until I find something somewhere else in the field  my degree is in. Who knows? Maybe my husband will suck it up and come with...especially when I found out today that the employer has 2 positions open, not just one, so we both could work for this office if he was willing to transfer.

I have a feeling though that I will be going without him...

Why bother?

Today sucked. I am so angry I can't hardly stand it. I feel like I was raked through the coals today and completely disregarded because I am bipolar.

My ex is a nut case. This guy has got to be the greatest con artist I have ever met. It just infuriates me. This guy lies, cheats and steals his way through life and when he gets confronted, he almost ALWAYS gets out of it.

I was granted a protection order some time ago because he was stalking me. It lasted for a year and it was WONDERFUL to have some peace. However in that time he violated the order on 3 separate occasions. I reported each incident to the sheriff's office. Nothing ever came of it. No citation. No charges. Nothing.

So, recently my ex began acting like an asshole. He'd been telling our children nasty things like I was a "waste of air" and "not worth [his] time" and even going so far as to say that I am a "selfish bitch".

Then the text messages started. Mostly him telling me that I am a "fucking bitch" which is his favorite thing to call me. I started ignoring his texts which only infuriated him more. So then he sends an email saying that I am a "fucking bitch" (in case I forgot, right?!!) and he hoped I was shot.

Ok. Calling me a "fucking bitch" is one thing. Saying you hope I get shot is another. I took this as a threat to my personal safety. So, I wrote out a statement, attached copies of the text messages, emails and also Facebook exchanges and I turned it in to the (same) sheriff's office. I was issued a temporary protection order and a hearing was scheduled. 

The first hearing gets continued because my lying piece of shit ex claims he didn't get copies of the petition I filed (which is BULL SHIT because the court clerk mailed it to him). So, fine. Whatever. They extend the temporary protection order to today.

Yeah, well, the entire thing was a complete waste of time. The judge allowed my ex to blame my being bipolar on all his behavior. Because I am bipolar he can call me anything he wants. Because I am bipolar, he can say he wants me shot. Because I am bipolar, he says nasty things to our children, which is in violation of our parenting plan, but hey! What the hell! I'm bipolar so fuck the plan.

And they wonder why women don't bother going to the police or courts when in domestic situations. What's the point? The batterer won't be held accountable, at least, not until the woman is dead.

Thank God I was approved for a concealed weapon permit. I hope to God I never have to use it, but won't hesitate if this prick puts me or our children in danger.

Fire at My House Today

Yeah, with fireworks!

So, I went to work today. Around 5 p.m. I was at the grocery store picking up hot dog buns for chili dogs (had to go to two stores since everyone and their monkey is barbecuing this weekend.) As I am checking out at the first store, my husband (who is on duty) calls me to tell me that my youngest son (autistic) snuck out of the house and went to the neighbor's house. He and the girl who lives there took some smoke bombs and a lighter and lit them in the field that my neighbor uses for haying. Though it has been raining and everything is pretty much still green, the grass underneath was dry and it caught the field on fire. The fire department and law enforcement were on the scene and the FD had the fire out very quickly.

But, the damage was done. Thankfully we had almost 1/4 inch of rain last night so it didn't spread as quickly as it could have. We had such strong winds that I can only thank God that it didn't set the entire field ablaze.
Here is a picture I took today:

I feel like I have been going non-stop and really, I have! We took the kids to a rodeo on Sunday. Monday my youngest son had Occupational Therapy (he has autism). Tuesday I worked my tail off. Wednesday was Occupational Therapy again. All day yesterday I ran around trying to complete more errands than I had time for. Each time I arrived home thinking I was finished, my phone would ring and I'd be off again. I made 5 trips in to town!

Thankfully the house is clean and I can now relax for a bit. I would love to go to bed early as I am so tired but something tells me that isn't going to happen.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Today I am beyond frustrated. I think I am disgusted. Why bother trying anymore? Really? I am SO SICK and tired of asshole people lying their way out of shit. I am even more tired of people not getting off their asses and doing their fucking jobs! If they can't be counted on to do little jobs, how am I supposed to trust they won't fuck up the big jobs?

I'm so pissed off. I think I need to go clean something. But I really want to just scream and lie on my bed doing nothing. I need to go fill my mood stabilizer is what I need to do.

UGH! Crap-ass day!

Well, the court hearing is tomorrow, not today but that's not why it's a crap-ass day.

My daughter was raped. I don't know what to do to help her. She is now 14 but it happened when she was 13. My husband is devastated and naturally wants to kill the guy. He just held my daughter and cried. I wish she would have told us sooner. But we've been in contact with authorities and they are doing their job. I guess we have to trust that things will work out the way their supposed to. In the meantime we have STD tests and whatnot to deal with. 

I hate that this prick did this to her. She doesn't even realize that even though she didn't resist that it was rape. She wanted so badly to remain a virgin until marriage. I knew something was wrong because her behavior was so unlike her the past several months. I asked her many times if she needed to talk about anything and she always told me she didn't. I am so angry that my poor baby has been violated like this. I am almost beyond emotion...it's like a dream and any second I'll wake up and everything will be okay.

My husband feels like a total failure. He feels like he failed her as a step-father and a protector. I feel like shit because she asked to go to the church to play basketball and I wanted to say no only because I was feeling rather bitchy. But I made myself agree and I drove her up there. Had I said no to her, it wouldn't have happened.

I know people say that you can't play the "what if" game. It's hard not to. My thoughts are so jumbled right now. I can't even think.

I was raped when I was about 10 or 11. I told my mother. She didn't do anything. She just told me it was "okay to say no" and even found a stupid pin for me to wear on my shirt that proclaimed that. No police. No doctors. Oh, but she did have me put on birth control "in case it happens again". UGH!

I seriously don't know how to handle this correctly. I know my mother's way wasn't the right way and I have really held bitterness against her ever since. I don't want to overreact but I don't want to under-react either.

*Sigh* I think my daughter hates me. I think she hates me because I told my husband. She just doesn't understand. She'll probably never tell me anything again.