Ah, the latest

This chicky has not updated in quite awhile. My apologies to those who miss my often random moments of venting rage. 

I, actually, am doing alright. I'm still unmedicated at the moment...not sure if that is good or not. I haven't killed anyone...but I am REALLY behind in college, my house is a wreck AND I've gained 15 pounds. UGH!

Nonetheless, I am starting round 2 of the HCG diet (where I previously lost 23 pounds in 31 days). Only this time I am going to follow the phase 3 to the letter. I always have to break the rules just to see if they really need to be followed. On the bright side, I am still down 8 pounds from when I began so all is not lost, right!?

I've bought a farm and moved. We have 31 chickens, 1 gander named Duck who thinks he is a hen, a horse, 2 cats and a dog. In two days 6 ducklings will join the mix and I am SUPER excited! I have over a dozen egg customers now and it seems I need more hens to keep up! And I love my little hens, especially this red one that runs out to me each time I approach her like I am her long lost friend! Needless to say, she has taught me to always carry a treat in my pocket just for her. However, the other hens are catching on...I did give them 1/2 a loaf of homemade bread in my desperation to reward them for the attention they showered upon me. Who'd have though so much validation could come from a hen!

Two of my kids are homeschooling and the other two are teetering on the verge of joining their homeschooled siblings. I've been hesitant, honestly, because it has been nice to get a break from the one while he is in school. He does ok. But when he gets in a mood, it's all I can do not to knock him out! UGH! The kid knows how to aggravate me in the least amount of time necessary! I blame it on his father's DNA.

I am wiped out from hunting. I hope to get back on here and fill in the gaps, but as I am unmedicated, I am not making promises as to when that will be. Becoming a farmer has kept me SO busy! But I am loving every minute of it!

My Enneagram Test Results

free enneagram test

It's been a few years since I took this test and not surprisingly, it says I am still a Type 2 personality. What I didn't know from the previous one, was that I am also tied in three other personality types (5, 7 and 8) by only one point less than Type 2. This is interesting to me as I am also a Gemini (accused of having a "dual personality" which I don't ascribe to) and I've been diagnosed "Bipolar" but this makes me think that perhaps it is just my personality, who I am. Why should I try to medicate away the essence of what makes me...me?

DOMINATE:

Type 2 (score 7/8)

The Helper

The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

SUB-DOMINATE:

Type 5 (score 6/8)

The Investigator

The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type 7 (score 6/8)

The Enthusiast

The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on-the-go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type 8 (score 6/8)

The Challenger

The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous and inspiring.

From the Mama:

My friend whose 13-year-old son died in a car wreck two week ago wrote this on her Facebook page about a dream she had where she saw her son again: 

"‎"I tried to get back to sleep to be right there again for just another moment with Gabe, but you know that doesn't happen. So, after a time of crying, I talked to God. He let me look at it through Gabe's eyes, if he returned. "I was there only for a moment!!! Why did you bring me back? It was so much fun!" Then I thought how cruel I would be to ask for him to come back. Though it's probably been like a moment/few seconds to him, it's been 2 weeks for us...and why would anyone want to leave heaven where they are finally COMPLETE and come back to this chaos here on earth? I wouldn't want to come back. Ozy, about a month or so ago, made a statement on fb that if he goes, don't ask for him to come back. As others have said, if we understood the beauty, joy, peace that awaits us (and BEST OF ALL, WE'D SEE AND BE WITH JESUS!) we would want to be there NOW. =) Thank you Lord for helping me through that one!"

Isn't she amazing! Here, we mourn those who left us and joined God in Heaven. We think about how short their lives were and everything they are missing out on here in this world and how unfair it is that we have to continue our lives without them. But really, we should be rejoicing! They are gone from the sickness and disease, the pain and suffering, the uncertainty...we want them back, not because where they are is so terrible, but because we don't want to continue living our lives without them.

I bet God felt the same thing, especially when He knew the agony Jesus would suffer before joining His Father in Heaven. I bet God, in His perfect loving way, would have rather not allowed Jesus to suffer so greatly.

I have a song that started in my head:

Big Surprise

I posted a while back about how my ex was acting crazy and sending hate email and whatnot which led to my having to get a restraining order. When we went in to court, the order was lifted and I was just devastated because of the effect my ex's behavior was having on our son who has autism.

Well, yesterday I received an order in the mail from the courts modifying our parenting plan. I was immediately sick to my stomach and didn't want to read it. I never expected to read what the judge ordered.

1. I have sole decision making authority

2. My ex's contact is to be supervised at a place of my choice and at his expense.

3. He gets two 8-hour visits twice monthly except for June and August which increase to six 12-hour visits. No overnight without my approval.

4. He has to give 72 hours notice before a visit and has to file it with the court as well. I cannot deny it without good cause and must file it with the court.

5. He can have telephone contact at reasonable times and the calls can be monitored by me for proper content.

All I can say is...WOW. I didn't see that coming at all. I thought the judge screwed me over in court. I guess I was wrong.

He has a message for those who are hurting:

Why do they have to die?

My son found out tonight that a friend of his was killed in a car accident this morning. His father was driving, somehow the vehicle rolled and the boy, age 13, was thrown from the vehicle. My son is so upset. There seems to be an epidemic of children dying in car accidents lately. I just don't get it. How many people have to die before they make seatbelt use a priority?

Kids don't have to die. Buckle them up for God's sake!

I'm better today

I am feeling better although I did NOT want to get out of bed. I don't think I am feeling depressed...just tired from all the stress.

Yesterday after court I came home and was SO upset. It feels like everything is going to shit lately...my husband caused us to lose out on moving into a bigger house last month because he procrastinated. But something better came up unexpectedly and we were in agreement to go for this other one instead because we would be buying instead of renting. I was ecstatic!

However, my father called me on Tuesday (I believe it was) and sounded frustrated. He'd spoke with my husband earlier (sort of-my husband was watching a movie and didn't really talk). My father got the impression that my husband isn't interested in the house anymore and it baffles him. So, dad calls me wanting to know what's going on.

I know nothing because my husband hasn't said a word to me about changing his mind. And I'm a bit pissed to hear from my father who lives two states away that my husband doesn't want to leave this town-ever. Well, what the hell?

So, my husband says he wants to look for something "in town" (this house is about 6 miles from the city limits) but I protested. I told him that if he expected me to give up my career aspirations (which is to go into the field of forensics) than he was going to have to agree to live in a house OUTSIDE of town that had enough room for the kids to have their horses, chickens, cows, whatever.

He was silent.

So, yesterday was a terrible day because of what happened in court. When I got home, my husband saw I was upset but stayed in his recliner watching television. I was near tears. When he finally asked how it went, I blurted out that it sucked, I'm sick of living here, I was applying for a job 150 miles away and if I got hired, the kids and I are LEAVING. 

I know he won't leave his job. So, that doesn't really leave us anywhere. We just had our 10th anniversary and here we are with different life paths, different goals, different desires. 

It's hard to think about. I mean, when we were separated for 7-8 months, I became used to being single and I was starting to feel like I would be okay without him. When he asked to come back home, I hesitated. I wanted to honor my marriage vows and give it another shot. But I also felt that, because this was the 4th time in 10 years that he has wanted out of the relationship, that it was only a matter of time before it happened again. 

Well, he's not exactly taking off. It's just that I had goals that I began working on when divorce seemed imminent. I started college with plans to transfer to a university in another state. I had managed to get my shit together to financially support 4 kids on my own (he is step-dad). And I had met someone who I was interested in spending some time with.

I made it very clear to him that I would NOT stay in this area forever. He said he understood and it was fine. Now, here we are 1 year later in a stand-off because I want to leave and he wants to stay.

Well, I'm leaving it in God's hands. If I get the job I am applying for, I am leaving. If I don't, I will stay until I find something somewhere else in the field  my degree is in. Who knows? Maybe my husband will suck it up and come with...especially when I found out today that the employer has 2 positions open, not just one, so we both could work for this office if he was willing to transfer.

I have a feeling though that I will be going without him...