Autism Awareness Month

Today is the 3rd day of Autism Awareness Month. My youngest son is autistic. Thankfully he is high functioning. He does have many deficits which combined make him legally disabled. I am SO THANKFUL that he was finally approved for disability because now all of his medical expenses are paid for and we don't have to go to any specific doctors. I also can get the special equipment and accomodations he needs to help him function more comfortably.

My son's psychiatrist highly recommended this book and I ordered it for my son. This book is fantastic! It's very visual which is highly appealing to the autie who usually has receptive communication deficits. There is a second book that is highschool aged that I will order when we get to that point.

It has been one year since my little guy was released from the children's psychiatric hospital. He had a complete meltdown and made suicidal statements and was self mutilating. It was so aweful to watch him go through this and not be able to help him. It makes me just sick to think about it. But he is doing SO WELL now and I am so thankful for the professionals who took care of him. They gave me my little boy back! He is going to be 11 in June.

Both he and his twin sister have decided that they want to resume homeschooling. I talked it over with the hubby who seems in agreement for the most part. He's stepdad so I don't think he feels he has a right to decide, but I did ask his opinion anyway. Ironically, I'm a little nervous about the prospect of it. Ridiculous since I homeschooled all four kids and operated a home daycare at the same time with three girls who had fetal alcohol syndrome, in addition to caring for a boy with Down's Syndrome here and there. Now I am only in school myself, no daycare, and the thought of homeschooling again is intimidating. Probably because it is such a big responsibility.

Anyway, tomorrow is Easter Sunday. We're not going to church however. I just don't have it in me to deal with my MIL. I cannot play the "Happy Family" game just because she wants to pretend to be an upstanding and devoted Christian. Yeah, I know I'm bitter. And I know I should forgive her. And I can't put full responsibility for my and my husband's separation. But she certainly didn't help matters any.

My husband got a little upset with me today. A neighbor gave me some houseplants which are known as "Mother-In-Law's Tongue". Well, I named two plants, one after my former MIL and one after my current MIL. My hubby made the comment that he thought MIL#1 was worse. I disagreed and replied that MIL#1 was openly bitchy to your face, not two-faced-backstabbing-manipulating like MIL#2. He replied that it does hurt him a little to hear me say that.

Well, I'm sorry. For one, he has said MUCH worse. For two, I am hurt that he continues to allow his mother to interfere and that he chooses her over me and expects me to just bite my tongue and say nothing. Why should I suffer? What right does he have to allow her to dictate what happens in my home with my children and my husband?

It shook me a little. These kinds of things are what makes me wonder if we are just biding our time. It would seem we are headed for divorce even if neither of us talks about it. I can't decide one day or the next if I should be planning to leave him or planning to stay with him. It is so confusing. Some days he seems really in to "us" but other days he doesn't. I know people have on/off days. But he's left 4 times in the past ten years. I have ZERO security in his commitment to us and it scares the hell out of me to completely trust that he won't do it a 5th time. A part of me wants to leave him before he gets the chance to devastate me like that again.

Why not do it a 5th time? What's he got to lose? He'd have no obligation for child support since he and I don't have children together. I just took all but $1000 of the tax refund as a down payment on a pick up truck for him. Most all the other bills are paid off. He could be home free. I ask myself why he is here. Somedays I really belive it is because he got tired of living with his mother.

I dunno. I hate holidays because they are so tense. I am NOT comfortable at his parent's house AT ALL and neither are my children, except my youngest son because he gets spoiled while the others get treated like shit. I can't go over and pretend I am happy to see them because I'm not. I can't lie. I can't stand her and I'd just as soon never see, speak or hear her again. I feel sorry for my FIL sometimes although he was quite the asshole when we were separated. Fuck 'em both.

Well, I suppose this is no way to end the day before Ressurection Sunday as my pastor likes to call it. I'd like to go to church but to see my MIL and FIL there makes me cringe. The kids mentioned going to a different church. We might check in to that.

Or maybe we will just home church like we homeschool. Why not? There weren't churches around when Jesus was alive. And going to church doesn't make one a Christian any more than going in a garage will make one a car (I love Joyce Meyers).