Coming Back Up

One thing that I really hate about being bipolar is having depression. I have been mildly depressed for the last few weeks. But I think I hit my bottom a few days ago. I found myself biting off my son's head because he called me to ask for the phone number of our Youth Pastor. UGH! I hate when I lose it. I feel so bad afterwards. And frustrated.

I should have seen the clues. I've lost interest in school (which I love), sex (which I really love), exercising (which was the highlight of my day), and I've gained about 4 pounds. Life sucks sometimes. I also found myself drinking. Probably could call it binge drinking I suppose. I didn't catch it right away and my husband is too chicken to say anything. But I began to realize it after drinking 6 mojitos in a few hours one night. Damn. I'm certain that only made the depression worse.

So, while the medications are keeping me more stable, I do now know that when I sink, I sink pretty low. Nothing like unloading on your husband, telling him how sick  you are of being a wife and mother and you want to drop out of school and run away and on and on and on...poor guy. I do wish he'd help me when I get like that but I don't think he knows what to do. I did ask him to accompnay me on my next visit to my PNP (Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner). I need to know if I start to sink that he will speak up or get me help if I truly need it. Right now I think I scare him too much and it paralyzes him.

So, I caught my 10-year-old autistic son mimicking smoking. I smacked him on the face and told him never to pretend to do that again. I don't know if I overreacted or not. I didn't smack him hard, but it did get his attention. This occurred after another earlier incident where he asked to take his Boy Scout uniform off because he had a t-shirt underneath and it was warming up a bit after the wind died down. I said "yes" and began helping him with his buttons )he still has problems with fine motor skills. Anyway, he replies, "Good because I'm fucking hot" and it just flowed out of his mouth like it was the most natural thing for him to say. I was stunned.

Well, we spent several hours this evening working on Scouting badges. As we were winding down we talked about his fitness badge (which I decided we were working on after the pretend smoking incident). As we were going through the checklist, it mentioned he needed to explain why smoking and chewing tobacco were harmful to the body. Then he says "I saw something bad in your purse, Mom, when I was getting in the car." Well, I knew what he saw...

He saw cigarettes. A pack of Camel 9's. They've been in there for about 3 weeks. Unopened. I haven't smoked in 7 years. In my psychology class we were discussing media and the way it affects people and I came across the ad for these things and they were so cute. The compaign manager really did an amazing job on this promotion. I was intrigued by the pink & black packaging, the pink camel on each individual cigarette and even more curious about the reviews I read that claimed the cigarettes tasted "fruity" and didn't smell like regular cigarettes. Hmmm...so, I bought some. And they've sat in my purse ever since. And the little booger saw them. UGH!!!

Seriously, how ingenius was the person behind this marketing scheme? Damn. Now I have to figure out how to explain to my autistic son who has zero comprehension of abstract concepts why I have a pack of cigarettes in my purse when I tell him how bad they are and he gets in trouble for pretending.

Good one Mom! Epic FAIL!