Thursday, July 8, 2010

I'm better today

I am feeling better although I did NOT want to get out of bed. I don't think I am feeling depressed...just tired from all the stress.

Yesterday after court I came home and was SO upset. It feels like everything is going to shit husband caused us to lose out on moving into a bigger house last month because he procrastinated. But something better came up unexpectedly and we were in agreement to go for this other one instead because we would be buying instead of renting. I was ecstatic!

However, my father called me on Tuesday (I believe it was) and sounded frustrated. He'd spoke with my husband earlier (sort of-my husband was watching a movie and didn't really talk). My father got the impression that my husband isn't interested in the house anymore and it baffles him. So, dad calls me wanting to know what's going on.

I know nothing because my husband hasn't said a word to me about changing his mind. And I'm a bit pissed to hear from my father who lives two states away that my husband doesn't want to leave this town-ever. Well, what the hell?

So, my husband says he wants to look for something "in town" (this house is about 6 miles from the city limits) but I protested. I told him that if he expected me to give up my career aspirations (which is to go into the field of forensics) than he was going to have to agree to live in a house OUTSIDE of town that had enough room for the kids to have their horses, chickens, cows, whatever.

He was silent.

So, yesterday was a terrible day because of what happened in court. When I got home, my husband saw I was upset but stayed in his recliner watching television. I was near tears. When he finally asked how it went, I blurted out that it sucked, I'm sick of living here, I was applying for a job 150 miles away and if I got hired, the kids and I are LEAVING. 

I know he won't leave his job. So, that doesn't really leave us anywhere. We just had our 10th anniversary and here we are with different life paths, different goals, different desires. 

It's hard to think about. I mean, when we were separated for 7-8 months, I became used to being single and I was starting to feel like I would be okay without him. When he asked to come back home, I hesitated. I wanted to honor my marriage vows and give it another shot. But I also felt that, because this was the 4th time in 10 years that he has wanted out of the relationship, that it was only a matter of time before it happened again. 

Well, he's not exactly taking off. It's just that I had goals that I began working on when divorce seemed imminent. I started college with plans to transfer to a university in another state. I had managed to get my shit together to financially support 4 kids on my own (he is step-dad). And I had met someone who I was interested in spending some time with.

I made it very clear to him that I would NOT stay in this area forever. He said he understood and it was fine. Now, here we are 1 year later in a stand-off because I want to leave and he wants to stay.

Well, I'm leaving it in God's hands. If I get the job I am applying for, I am leaving. If I don't, I will stay until I find something somewhere else in the field  my degree is in. Who knows? Maybe my husband will suck it up and come with...especially when I found out today that the employer has 2 positions open, not just one, so we both could work for this office if he was willing to transfer.

I have a feeling though that I will be going without him...

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