Thursday, April 29, 2010

Good Morning!

It is amazing how much adequate sleep can do for mood! I feel so good now. I did start the increased Lamicatal though I'm not sure how long it takes before feeling the effects.

You will see above a new page called "Follow The Leader" on my blog. This is my final paper for English Comp 2. It's a bit controversial. I discuss Christianity and Sexuality. The gist of it is that we as Christians (in general) are not practicing what we preach when it comes to matters of sexuality. As a group, we have the highest rate of divorce, abortion, our teens are more likely to engage in unprotected teen sex, and we have over 50% of families in our group that admit pornography is a proble. Additionally we criticize, sometimes unfairly, the homosexual population. Many times we mistakenly assume someone who is gay is engaging in homosexual sex however there are in existance gay virgins who are waiting for that "right person". The paper itself was 12 pages long-double spaced and including my Works Cited page. If you get bored or are interested, please read it and give feedback. All of my information is based on studies, mostly from groups like Barna.

That said, I have an Algebra exam due at 10 a.m. today. It's a review of the 7 chapters we covered this semester. I also have a final exam due by May 9th that I want to finish early.I've decided to take the summer off and feel that was a smart decision as I am burnt out. I need to do a new FAFSA for fall semester and should get that done soon.

I was thinking about baking some home made cinnamon rolls today. I have a wonderful recipe called "Clone of a Cinnabon" but I really feel it should be renamed "Better than Cinnabon" because it is just delicious! And they are made mostly in the bread machine so there isn't the usual amount of work involved.

Hmmm....that makes me think....maybe I should create a recipes page. I have some favorites that are so yummy! I am all about quick and/or easy since I have four children. I often post what we are eating on Facebook and people ask for recipes. I find all of them online though didn't save the sources so might have to do a little digging so I give credit where it is due. I have been in many recipe swaps on Swap-bot as well so have amassed quite an interesting collection there: Mexican Lasagna; Ghetto Stirfry; over a dozen fudge recipes (YUMMERS!!!). Hmmm....I'll have to think about it. I would LOVE to receive some of the favorite recipes of my favorite contact email address is located on my profile but I'll repost here for simplicity: bipolar-rollercoaster [at] hotmail [dot] com.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Med Change/Prayer Request/Ummm.....

First off, I just returned from a 600 mile round trip with my best friend to take her teen daughter to the psychiatric hospital to be admitted. The daughter has had mental issues for quite some time, OCD type behavior with depression, severe anxiety and social phobias. She has struggled with hearing voices for quite some time.

Her PCP decided to give her Prozac (fluoxitine) to treat the depression. She also takes Strattera and I think there was something else...maybe tegretol? Anyway, for the past three days she has had a terrible reaction to the Prozac. She had suicidal thoughts. She believes in God but voices were telling her that God was fake and she should just kill herself. She was so upset. The voices had told her to hurt her family and she has had very vivid dreams-nightmares rather, of hurting herself and others. The poor kid is a mess!

Anyway, her PCP decided this was an emergency and she needed to be hospitalized right away. So we left last night around 9pm. We arrived at the hospital around 2:30 in the morning. By 6 a.m. she was finally admitted. Please pray for Caitlin. We don't know how long she will be in the hospital. She is very motivated and wants to get well. Her family is staying in the Ronald McDonald House but money is a big issue so pray for some help there. And pray for her mother. She has her own similar issues without the voices and such. She is having difficulty with anxiety. The family has two disabled boys who have albinism (they are albino) and autism.

I left around 8 a.m. to make the 300-mile trip back home in time for my appointment with my PNP. I was fortunate that my husband agreed to come with me. After discussing my struggles the past few weeks, we determined that the pharmacy screwed up on my prescriptions. I am supposed to be taking 150mg of Lamictal daily. I have only been receiving 100mg. With the cut in Wellbutrin it just caused me to slide to a low. So, we received an completely new prescription that clearly states the dosage and hopefully tomorrow the pharmacy can get me the right meds. We will probably increase the Strattera next month but for now she was more concerned with mood stabalization. I am okay with that. My husband was relieved.

What else....hmmm....well, I'm failing my college algebra class. My mood is still depressed so I don't care much right now, but I probably will later. Speaking of which, I have an exam to take... 

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Coming Back Up

One thing that I really hate about being bipolar is having depression. I have been mildly depressed for the last few weeks. But I think I hit my bottom a few days ago. I found myself biting off my son's head because he called me to ask for the phone number of our Youth Pastor. UGH! I hate when I lose it. I feel so bad afterwards. And frustrated.

I should have seen the clues. I've lost interest in school (which I love), sex (which I really love), exercising (which was the highlight of my day), and I've gained about 4 pounds. Life sucks sometimes. I also found myself drinking. Probably could call it binge drinking I suppose. I didn't catch it right away and my husband is too chicken to say anything. But I began to realize it after drinking 6 mojitos in a few hours one night. Damn. I'm certain that only made the depression worse.

So, while the medications are keeping me more stable, I do now know that when I sink, I sink pretty low. Nothing like unloading on your husband, telling him how sick  you are of being a wife and mother and you want to drop out of school and run away and on and on and on...poor guy. I do wish he'd help me when I get like that but I don't think he knows what to do. I did ask him to accompnay me on my next visit to my PNP (Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner). I need to know if I start to sink that he will speak up or get me help if I truly need it. Right now I think I scare him too much and it paralyzes him.

So, I caught my 10-year-old autistic son mimicking smoking. I smacked him on the face and told him never to pretend to do that again. I don't know if I overreacted or not. I didn't smack him hard, but it did get his attention. This occurred after another earlier incident where he asked to take his Boy Scout uniform off because he had a t-shirt underneath and it was warming up a bit after the wind died down. I said "yes" and began helping him with his buttons )he still has problems with fine motor skills. Anyway, he replies, "Good because I'm fucking hot" and it just flowed out of his mouth like it was the most natural thing for him to say. I was stunned.

Well, we spent several hours this evening working on Scouting badges. As we were winding down we talked about his fitness badge (which I decided we were working on after the pretend smoking incident). As we were going through the checklist, it mentioned he needed to explain why smoking and chewing tobacco were harmful to the body. Then he says "I saw something bad in your purse, Mom, when I was getting in the car." Well, I knew what he saw...

He saw cigarettes. A pack of Camel 9's. They've been in there for about 3 weeks. Unopened. I haven't smoked in 7 years. In my psychology class we were discussing media and the way it affects people and I came across the ad for these things and they were so cute. The compaign manager really did an amazing job on this promotion. I was intrigued by the pink & black packaging, the pink camel on each individual cigarette and even more curious about the reviews I read that claimed the cigarettes tasted "fruity" and didn't smell like regular cigarettes., I bought some. And they've sat in my purse ever since. And the little booger saw them. UGH!!!

Seriously, how ingenius was the person behind this marketing scheme? Damn. Now I have to figure out how to explain to my autistic son who has zero comprehension of abstract concepts why I have a pack of cigarettes in my purse when I tell him how bad they are and he gets in trouble for pretending.

Good one Mom! Epic FAIL!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm Old So She's Fat!

So says my beloved 14-year-old daughter whose been the main subject of my blogs lately. She comments to her friend that she needs to lose weight. Her friend askes why. She replies, "Because my mom can fit in my clothes so I know I'm getting fat..." Nice.

Mind you, I am 5 feet 2 inches (with shoes on). I weigh about 165 but am fairly muscular (I work out several days each week). I know I can't look like a water buffalo...I have way too many winks and smiles and flirts from men when I am out and about. On those rare occasions that I do decide to go have a drink at a bar, I rarely spend money.

But, according to my daughter, if your mother can fit in your clothes, you need to lose weight.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Countdown Begins...

So, it's 11 days until my husband's birthday (May 1st). 20 days until Mother's Day (May 9th) when we live for Washington D.C. Which means it is 24 days until our 10th anniversary when we come back from D.C. (May 15th) and as if May couldn't be anymore a party month for us, 35 days until my birthday on May 24th! Don't forget Memorial Day too! If we were in college we would probably spend the month drunk, LOL. But at almost 37 (him) and me almost 33, those days are long gone. We can't party like rockstars anymore...the closest we get is last night's BBQ with some friends and SingStar on the PS3!

So, my hubby gets a call from the association that is presenting him with an award next month-hence our trip to D.C. They wanted my social security number for a federal background check. Reason is because we will be taken to the Rose Garden at the White House where my husband will be addressed by the President in addition to Fmr. Pres. Bush (junior) and Fmr. Pres. Clinton (NOT Hillary, LOL!) I believe we will have a private tour of the White House as well. There is supposed to be a bunch of "important" people there...politicians, celebrities...I couldn't tell you who most of them are. I don't follow politics and rarely watch television so I'm not impressed. I didn't vote for Obama and don't care for much of his politics, but I know meeting and shaking the hand of the President is a once-in-a-lifetime thing so will be on my best behavior (and medicated, LOL).

I am more looking forward to the evening ceremony. That is where my husband will be presented with his award. John Walsh is presenting it and there will be some of the cast from Law & Order and NCIS. The association sent a film crew out last month to film the re-enactment and to tape an interview with my husband to be airred at the ceremony. I am really eager to see how they put it all together.

We sent off the RSVP card for our tickets to the ceremony and reception. My MIL did finally decide to pay the $200 for her and my FIL. I think she thought if she balked enough that they'd just let her in for free. I was hoping she'd refuse to pay but my hubby drove over and showed her the RSVP card and made her write a check for the tickets. I could have killed him for that. There was a deadline for mailing it back and she was aware of it. I felt if she really wanted to go, she'd get the money to him for their tickets. I don't think he should have had to go over and get it. I don't get that man sometimes. He doesn't want her to go but he goes over to make sure her tickets are ordered. UGH!!! Why does he insist on torturing me like that?

I don't care. She's now talking about staying in Virginia because my youngest daughter told her where we were going to be. So, I decided that I am choosing where were are staying and it WON'T be in D.C. or Virginia and I'm not telling ANYONE where we will be until we are checked in, not even my husband. The only way my MIL will crash our "honeymoon" is to actually follow us.

Despite that, I still feel on edge about my relationship with my husband. Some days are great...others...not so much. The more I talk about leaving to another state to finish college, the more quiet he gets about it. I don't know what to think...I won't stay here with my MIL two miles away. I think he is waiting until the last second to make up his mind. Should I plan to leave without him? His going or not really is a big factor on where I choose to go...many times lately I've regretted reconciling and letting him come back home. Behaviorally he is fine...happy, cooperative,'s just this thing between him and his mother that REALLY bothers me. *Sigh* What to do?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Teenagers SUCK, Part 2

So, we went to the police station yesterday and my son was interviewed and photographed. We then went to the highschool and spoke with the principal and vice prinvipal. During the course of the conversation reference was made to my daughter's cell phone. Apparently she'd had it taken away at school the day prior and it had been placed in the safe for a parent to pick up. Interestingly neither my husband or I picked up the phone yet my daughter had it when she came home from school. Interesting.....

A little investigating by the vice principal revealed that my daughter's friend called her mother and asked if she would come and say the phone was hers so my daughter could get it back without my husband or I finding out she'd had it taken away. AND THE MOTHER AGREED AND DID IT!

I don't know what to say in regards to that...except WTF?

Then, later on while I am doing school work, one of my daughter's friends begin to text me asking if my daughter can go hang out with her, promising me that she wouldn't allow my daughter to get into any trouble...AS IF! I couldn't help but laugh.

Then today my daughter comes to me with a proposition that she'll clean the garage out if she can have her cell phone back. That was a big fat NO. I don't know what part of "grounded from your cell phone indefinitely" my daughter did not comprehend.

Oh yeah, and I spoke with her sperm donor (aka: father) yesterday as well. Filled him in and he actuallt whines to me and asks if she can have her cell phone to at least text with him. Are you freaking serious? Then he has the nerve to say that my son (HIS son) needs to grow up. I'm sorry...WHAT?!!!

I swear, friends should NOT let friends drink and date. If they do, friends should MAKE SURE friends don't have sex while drinking with their date. Seriously. Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder what the HELL you were thinking? I've been having LOTS of those lately!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Teenagers suck!

But we already know that, right?

I had to ground my daughter indefinitely. I hate it. I hate seeing her cry and be miserable. But she SO crossed the line tonight--NOT even funny.

I was contacted by the police that my son has been used as a punching bag at school for several months now. WHY the school didn't call me to notify me is beyond my comprehension and I intend to get to the bottom of THAT in the morning. I support that they contacted law enforcement. I DON'T support them not clueing me in before I get the call to bring my son in to have his bruises, which he's told me nothing about, photographed for evidence.

His twin sister takes it upon herself to CALL HIS BULLY and inform him that the police will contact him for questioning. Her rationale...she felt the Bully had a "right to know". Words cannot describe what I felt when she said that to me....

Anyway, her cell phone was confiscated. Upon checking the text messages she'd sent to see what was really said, we find out one of her friends had been in trouble a few times for smoking pot, she'd snuck out of the house a few times and has been smoking cigarettes (nevermind that she'd just got off grounding for getting drunk with her grandmother and then went to church hung over!) Grandma got turned in to the police, by the way...

I seriously don't know what to do with her. Why she would call this little ass that has been terrorizing kids is beyond my comprehension. She couldn't give a reasonable explaination either. I don't want to be too hard on her, but DAMN IT. From my point of view, she basically screwed over her brother who has to face this little ass tomorrow after he gets done getting photographed and interviewed by police.

I don't understand. Can someone make me understand? The only logical conclusion I can draw is that teenagers are brain damaged.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Y Chromosomes...EPIC FAIL

I am so effing menstrual right now it about makes me homicidal. FUCK!!!!!

So, my husband and I were separated for about 7 months, right. At about 5 months in to it I started loosening up and considering the possibility of maybe going out on a date...maybe. Well, I come to find out that a guy I'd known for over 11 years had secretly been in "love" with me and he took the opportunity to tell me.

Of course I was flattered. He's a great guy! He is very handsome and hardworking and compassionate and intelligent and I could go on and on. Anyway, to make a long story short, we began seeing each other...sort of.

You see, he was deployed to Afghanistan. So, I guess I felt "safe" since he was on the other side of the planet fighting Taliban and all that madness. He'd call me almost every day and we'd talk for hours. It was so nice to be desired by someone, especially when my husband was going out of his way to make it clear he had no intentions or desire to remain married to me.

Needless to say, when my husband asked if he could come home, I was very torn. I felt obligated to my husband (as a Christian) to forgive and give him another chance-a fifth chance in actuality. But my heart was not with my husband, it was with my soldier.

I made the decision to do what I felt was morally right and agreed to try to reconcile with my husband. Every part of my heart rebelled and wanted to keep my soldier. I cried quietly at night because my heart hurt for him and I missed our talks. He'd asked me to marry him and we'd discussed plans for the future. I didn't feel like he was a rebound for me since we couldn't actually see or touch each other face-to-face, and I'd already known him for so long...we'd all lived together at one point so I already knew his habits and whatnot. It was so surreal.

Anyway, he agreed to step back and allow me to try this reconciliation with my husband. He didn't like it and neither did I. But he was a Christian as well and he understood why I had decided to give my husband another opportunity to make things right.

That was in June. Now, ten months later, I have days when I believe I made a mistake saying "yes" to my husband. I had sent an email to my soldier a few weeks back asking him what his intentions were...did he plan to continue waiting? I didn't get a response. We are friends on Facebook and I posted things on his wall...nothing that would compromise my marriage, but saying Hi and things like that.

A few days ago my soldier's niece posted something on his facebook wall. It was cute. She introduced herself, reminding him that she was his niece and she missed him and that since it was springtime, they could start over and he could resume texting with her and calling and Facebooking. I added a comment that I agreed with her...and left him a =/.

Today I noticed he finally came on Facebook. He replied to his niece, but I may as well have not posted anything at all. He didn't acknowledge me at all. He didn't reply to my email nor has he replied to my texts...simple texts like "hi, how are you?" It's such bullshit and I am just raging pissed at him. 

I'm sitting here contemplating why I am so upset with him...and I think it's because I was falling in love with him...maybe...I don't know. It has to be something like that otherwise it wouldn't bother me so much that he is silent to me. I don't know why. I asked him if I pissed him off and he called me to tell me I was crazy and not to think that way. But that was like 2 months ago.

He is back stateside and has been since December. I commented how ironic it was that since he's been back, we've spoke only 3 or 4 times whereas when he was in Afghanistan getting shot at every day and taking rockets and shit, that he'd call at least once a day. He even remarked how funny that was.

I guess I am disappointed. And hurt. Maybe I was holding on to him as someone to fall back on if my husband flaked again or if I decided to call it quit and file for divorce. I seriously don't know what to think anymore. I am so conflicted, especially since my mother-in-law is going out of her way to make me miserable and my husband is more or less reverting back to his old self who I had firmly stated was NOT who I wanted to be married to...

I fucking hate being on my period. I hate being left in limbo. I hate being confused. I hate being bipolar and feeling like I am losing my mind and UGH!

And to make matters worse...I tried to get my hair back to it's natural blonde after having dyed it dark brown...I now look like my head is on fire. It's ridiculous. I want to shave off all of my hair and start over fresh.

Gawd life sucks right now. I wanna bag college and run away. My ex is being a prick, as just seems like when it rains, it pours.  

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I feel like crap

I can't believe I slept until after noon. It's no wonder I woke up so hungry that I felt like I could singly handedly empty the refrigerator. Probably partially from Aunt Flow stopping by for her monthly visit. My back is so sore. I'm not certain I moved at all last night while sleeping.

So, I finally upgraded to a Blackberry the other day. I got the Storm 2 which I like so far. It's quite a step up from the LG 265 and I'm having to learn the whole touch screen thing in addition to having a phone that does everything in one: PDA, mp3, Internet, shoot,  I don't think I have even touched the surface of what this thing is capable of. But I like it. The music sounds good with my headphones so that saves me the cost of having to get an Ipod Touch for working out ($250). I can sync with my Outlook 2007 so that saves from having to buy a PDA ($400), and I downloaded a free app last night to make my phone a GPS navigational system (my TomTom was about $150) and it offers more than my TomTom and is always up-to-date whereas with TomTom I have to connect it to my laptop and download updates. Not so with the Blackberry Storm 2.

I will have purchased it for about $100 after the rebate though I've had to sign my life away to Verizon (the next two years anyway). My husband went back yesterday and got Droid. I don't like that thing at all. It's perfect for him but more advanced than BB. I'm content with the BB and he is loving his Droid. It's weird that we have different operating systems but cool too because it's like we have the best of both worlds. I have the GPS Navigator but he has an app that shows you what constellations are above you when you point the video camera to the you move, the screen moves in real time and shows the star placement and outlines them and names each individual star. Not as useful as GPS but freaking cool as hell. I'm sure Droid has a navigation app somewhere similar to BB's but my husband hasn't found it yet. I want a constellation one for BB but haven't found one we have much room to learn!

Well, I'm PMSing and have a term paper to write so I guess I should get busy. I've kicked my family out of the house for the day so I can get this done. I will be so glad when college is over on May 9th!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Interesting Development

My hubby received a reservation card in the mail today for the ceremony in D.C. There is a charge of $25 per head to attend the ceremony and another $75 per head to attend the reception afterwards. Discounted hotel rate is $199 per night. OUCH!!!!

Awesome thing is that my hubby's expenses are all paid for by the association that is awarding him: airfare, hotel, ceremony & reception AND he gets complimentary tickets for one guest, which is of course your's truly-except airfare.

So, my hubby called up his mother and informed her of these developments. He let her know that she needed to give him $200 for her and my FIL's tickets so he could send back the reservation card and get the tickets mailed to him. He shared the hotel information with her about the discounted rate, as well as the date and time of the ceremony. I could hear her response while she talked to my husband and she did not sound pleased about having to pay to go to the ceremony. It's probably wrong to admit this but I am GLAD she is pissed about that.

I'm sure that makes me sound like a real bitch. I'm okay with that. Especially since she prodded my 10-year-old daughter for info and found out we were going to stay in Virginia instead of D.C. (because we didn't want to run into them during our "honeymoon") so she'd decided THEY were staying in Virginia as well. So, who's the bitch now, I ask? Probably fair to say that we both are. I think bitchiness is the ONLY thing I have in common with my MIL...we're still trying to figure out who gets the top honors in the Biggest Bitch department.

Anyway, so we are changing our plans AGAIN only not telling anyone where we are staying until we get there. But, from her response today, I'm not so sure she's going to go. She felt that as "the mother" the complimentary tickets should go to her. I think not! I was surprised when my husband raised his voice at her and informed her that the complimentary tickets were for his "wife". Hearing him say that to her melted away some of the residual hostility I've held on to towards him over our separation. I felt like, for once, he was sticking up for me...putting me ahead of "Mother" which doesn't occur often enough for my liking.

Here's a little something I want to share. I'm certain some of you can relate:

I wish I knew who the artist was so I could give them credit.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Take your Gardasil and shove it!

This is a repost from my other blog. I felt I needed to share this here. I am not anti-vaccination, but doesn't it seem strange that we are being pressured to vaccinate against things like chicken pox (which was a right-of-passage when I grew up)?

I was reading an article today>1=31051 that I found very annoying. One doctor says it's ok to use hormones to never have a period again. Another says that it's not necessary and that menstration should not be treated as "a disease".

Dr. Leslie Miller, University of Washington, states, "I haven’t had a period for almost 12 years. Like many other female doctors, I’ve been skipping that monthly chore by taking hormone-filled birth control pills continuously." Ok lady. I don't know of ANY female doctors or any other health professionals doing this. Did you notice the key words in this statement? Allow me to point them out, "HORMONE-FILLED BIRTH CONTROL PILLS".

Let's jump to Cervical Cancer here for just a moment...according to the National Cancer Institute web site:
"Estimated new cases and deaths from cervical (uterine cervix) cancer in the United States in 2009: New cases: 11,270. Deaths: 4,070. Worldwide less than 250,000 women will be diagnosed each year with cervical cancer."

They say the primary cause of cervical cancer is two strains of the HPV virus (Human Papilloma Virus). So, they spent two decades creating a "vaccine" targeting girls ages 12-14. The highest prevalence of HPV was among woman aged 20-24. They say the test group revealed about 3.4% of women tested positive for the 4 strains targeted by the vaccine, "translating to an estimated 3.1 million exposed women in the studied age groups."

Now, let's do the math here:
11,270 new cases of cervical cancer in 2009 divided by 3,100,000 estimated number of women exposed to the target strains equals 0.003635 or 0.0036%. The number of deaths in 2009: 4070 divided by 3,100.000 = 0.00131%. So, we're pushing a vaccine on millions of women and girls at an average of $130 per dose.

AND one person has to get THREE doses. Total average cost-about $400 bucks! The Census Bureau estimated 154,135,120 women lived in the United States as of July 2008.

Costwise we're looking at $61,654,048,000 to vaccinate each of these woman in the US only. Worldwide there are 3,388,960,000 women,for a cost of $1,355,584,000,000 to vaccinate each of them with Gardasil.

SO, what does this have to do with suppressing menstration? PLENTY.

"Women who use birth control pills for a long time are more likely to develop cervical cancer, according to a new study.
Researchers from the International Agency on Cancer Research in Lyon, France, found that the risk increased by more than 50% after five years of oral contraceptive use, and more than doubled after 10 years. The study was published in The Lancet (Vol. 361, No. 9364: 1159-1167).

Cervical cancer is a relatively uncommon cancer in the United States. It will be diagnosed in about 12,000 American women in 2003, according to American Cancer Society estimates, and it will kill about 4,000 women. Cervical cancer is not among the top 10 cancers in American women, mainly because of early detection through Pap tests.

However, it is the second most common cancer in women in less-developed countries and a major cause of death worldwide. A major risk factor is infection with the human papilloma virus (HPV). The HPV strains that cause cervical cancer are sexually transmitted and very common."

Recap: Use BCP to supress menstruation. Increased BCP use leads to increased suseptability for HPV-the virus that causes cervical cancer. Solution: get vaccinated for the virus that is going to increase the rate of cervical cancer since BCP use increases the suseptability to the virus.

Do you REALLY think they are looking out for your health? THINK AGAIN!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Autism Awareness Month

Today is the 3rd day of Autism Awareness Month. My youngest son is autistic. Thankfully he is high functioning. He does have many deficits which combined make him legally disabled. I am SO THANKFUL that he was finally approved for disability because now all of his medical expenses are paid for and we don't have to go to any specific doctors. I also can get the special equipment and accomodations he needs to help him function more comfortably.

My son's psychiatrist highly recommended this book and I ordered it for my son. This book is fantastic! It's very visual which is highly appealing to the autie who usually has receptive communication deficits. There is a second book that is highschool aged that I will order when we get to that point.

It has been one year since my little guy was released from the children's psychiatric hospital. He had a complete meltdown and made suicidal statements and was self mutilating. It was so aweful to watch him go through this and not be able to help him. It makes me just sick to think about it. But he is doing SO WELL now and I am so thankful for the professionals who took care of him. They gave me my little boy back! He is going to be 11 in June.

Both he and his twin sister have decided that they want to resume homeschooling. I talked it over with the hubby who seems in agreement for the most part. He's stepdad so I don't think he feels he has a right to decide, but I did ask his opinion anyway. Ironically, I'm a little nervous about the prospect of it. Ridiculous since I homeschooled all four kids and operated a home daycare at the same time with three girls who had fetal alcohol syndrome, in addition to caring for a boy with Down's Syndrome here and there. Now I am only in school myself, no daycare, and the thought of homeschooling again is intimidating. Probably because it is such a big responsibility.

Anyway, tomorrow is Easter Sunday. We're not going to church however. I just don't have it in me to deal with my MIL. I cannot play the "Happy Family" game just because she wants to pretend to be an upstanding and devoted Christian. Yeah, I know I'm bitter. And I know I should forgive her. And I can't put full responsibility for my and my husband's separation. But she certainly didn't help matters any.

My husband got a little upset with me today. A neighbor gave me some houseplants which are known as "Mother-In-Law's Tongue". Well, I named two plants, one after my former MIL and one after my current MIL. My hubby made the comment that he thought MIL#1 was worse. I disagreed and replied that MIL#1 was openly bitchy to your face, not two-faced-backstabbing-manipulating like MIL#2. He replied that it does hurt him a little to hear me say that.

Well, I'm sorry. For one, he has said MUCH worse. For two, I am hurt that he continues to allow his mother to interfere and that he chooses her over me and expects me to just bite my tongue and say nothing. Why should I suffer? What right does he have to allow her to dictate what happens in my home with my children and my husband?

It shook me a little. These kinds of things are what makes me wonder if we are just biding our time. It would seem we are headed for divorce even if neither of us talks about it. I can't decide one day or the next if I should be planning to leave him or planning to stay with him. It is so confusing. Some days he seems really in to "us" but other days he doesn't. I know people have on/off days. But he's left 4 times in the past ten years. I have ZERO security in his commitment to us and it scares the hell out of me to completely trust that he won't do it a 5th time. A part of me wants to leave him before he gets the chance to devastate me like that again.

Why not do it a 5th time? What's he got to lose? He'd have no obligation for child support since he and I don't have children together. I just took all but $1000 of the tax refund as a down payment on a pick up truck for him. Most all the other bills are paid off. He could be home free. I ask myself why he is here. Somedays I really belive it is because he got tired of living with his mother.

I dunno. I hate holidays because they are so tense. I am NOT comfortable at his parent's house AT ALL and neither are my children, except my youngest son because he gets spoiled while the others get treated like shit. I can't go over and pretend I am happy to see them because I'm not. I can't lie. I can't stand her and I'd just as soon never see, speak or hear her again. I feel sorry for my FIL sometimes although he was quite the asshole when we were separated. Fuck 'em both.

Well, I suppose this is no way to end the day before Ressurection Sunday as my pastor likes to call it. I'd like to go to church but to see my MIL and FIL there makes me cringe. The kids mentioned going to a different church. We might check in to that.

Or maybe we will just home church like we homeschool. Why not? There weren't churches around when Jesus was alive. And going to church doesn't make one a Christian any more than going in a garage will make one a car (I love Joyce Meyers).

Friday, April 2, 2010

Good Friday 2010

It's a beautiful day today! I love that we are seeing more sunshine and it's finally warming up! The kids are out of school for four days for Easter break and I am actually glad that they are home.

Last night we all watched a movie on Lifetime called "Amish Grace". Wow, what a movie! I wept through most of it. It was based on the story of a man who went inside an Amish school in Pennsylvania and shot ten little girls and then took his own life. His motive was to punish God for his first child dying 9 years previously 20 minutes after she was born.

We followed it with watching the documentary on the Amish shooting. I don't know very much about the Amish but was really struck by how they really practice what they preach. Even though five girls died, the day this shooting occurred, several of the Amish deacons, including one whose daughter died on scene, went to the widows home and offered forgiveness and support for her and her children. Such amazing love radiates from these people.

We have a kind of Amish colony here where I live only they are Hutterites. I'm not sure what makes them different but the dress is similar, they speak German, and they do not interact too much with people off the colony. I like to buy vegetables from can get a bushel of pickling cukes from them for about $20. They also sell ehhs, chickens, and lots of other produce. They are a curious bunch!

National Atheism Day

AKA: April Fool's Day (LOL, gotcha!) ;)

Ok. Seriously. I'm done.

Tomorrow is Good Friday and I am going to make homemade cinnabons for my hubby and kids! OH I can't wait!