Sunday, April 11, 2010

Y Chromosomes...EPIC FAIL

I am so effing menstrual right now it about makes me homicidal. FUCK!!!!!

So, my husband and I were separated for about 7 months, right. At about 5 months in to it I started loosening up and considering the possibility of maybe going out on a date...maybe. Well, I come to find out that a guy I'd known for over 11 years had secretly been in "love" with me and he took the opportunity to tell me.

Of course I was flattered. He's a great guy! He is very handsome and hardworking and compassionate and intelligent and I could go on and on. Anyway, to make a long story short, we began seeing each other...sort of.

You see, he was deployed to Afghanistan. So, I guess I felt "safe" since he was on the other side of the planet fighting Taliban and all that madness. He'd call me almost every day and we'd talk for hours. It was so nice to be desired by someone, especially when my husband was going out of his way to make it clear he had no intentions or desire to remain married to me.

Needless to say, when my husband asked if he could come home, I was very torn. I felt obligated to my husband (as a Christian) to forgive and give him another chance-a fifth chance in actuality. But my heart was not with my husband, it was with my soldier.

I made the decision to do what I felt was morally right and agreed to try to reconcile with my husband. Every part of my heart rebelled and wanted to keep my soldier. I cried quietly at night because my heart hurt for him and I missed our talks. He'd asked me to marry him and we'd discussed plans for the future. I didn't feel like he was a rebound for me since we couldn't actually see or touch each other face-to-face, and I'd already known him for so long...we'd all lived together at one point so I already knew his habits and whatnot. It was so surreal.

Anyway, he agreed to step back and allow me to try this reconciliation with my husband. He didn't like it and neither did I. But he was a Christian as well and he understood why I had decided to give my husband another opportunity to make things right.

That was in June. Now, ten months later, I have days when I believe I made a mistake saying "yes" to my husband. I had sent an email to my soldier a few weeks back asking him what his intentions were...did he plan to continue waiting? I didn't get a response. We are friends on Facebook and I posted things on his wall...nothing that would compromise my marriage, but saying Hi and things like that.

A few days ago my soldier's niece posted something on his facebook wall. It was cute. She introduced herself, reminding him that she was his niece and she missed him and that since it was springtime, they could start over and he could resume texting with her and calling and Facebooking. I added a comment that I agreed with her...and left him a =/.

Today I noticed he finally came on Facebook. He replied to his niece, but I may as well have not posted anything at all. He didn't acknowledge me at all. He didn't reply to my email nor has he replied to my texts...simple texts like "hi, how are you?" It's such bullshit and I am just raging pissed at him. 

I'm sitting here contemplating why I am so upset with him...and I think it's because I was falling in love with him...maybe...I don't know. It has to be something like that otherwise it wouldn't bother me so much that he is silent to me. I don't know why. I asked him if I pissed him off and he called me to tell me I was crazy and not to think that way. But that was like 2 months ago.

He is back stateside and has been since December. I commented how ironic it was that since he's been back, we've spoke only 3 or 4 times whereas when he was in Afghanistan getting shot at every day and taking rockets and shit, that he'd call at least once a day. He even remarked how funny that was.

I guess I am disappointed. And hurt. Maybe I was holding on to him as someone to fall back on if my husband flaked again or if I decided to call it quit and file for divorce. I seriously don't know what to think anymore. I am so conflicted, especially since my mother-in-law is going out of her way to make me miserable and my husband is more or less reverting back to his old self who I had firmly stated was NOT who I wanted to be married to...

I fucking hate being on my period. I hate being left in limbo. I hate being confused. I hate being bipolar and feeling like I am losing my mind and UGH!

And to make matters worse...I tried to get my hair back to it's natural blonde after having dyed it dark brown...I now look like my head is on fire. It's ridiculous. I want to shave off all of my hair and start over fresh.

Gawd life sucks right now. I wanna bag college and run away. My ex is being a prick, as just seems like when it rains, it pours.  


  1. WoW...
    It browsing through from SwapBot- thanks for following me.

    It seems like we might have a lot in common ane I look forward to reading further through your blog. I'm divorced- my "Christian" husband had several affairs and kept begging for me to take him back.

    Anyway, after the divorce, my sister re-introduced me to one of her guy friends who had a crush on me. I had met him while I was still married. Long story short: We've been together for 5 years and are now happily married to each other.

    I hope things work out for you... If you want to chat, let me know.

  2. Got caught up in your post like I was watching a Lifetime movie. My gosh, I sure hope everything works out for you.

    Enjoyed my visit to your blog, found you on swapbot.


  3. LOL, funny you mention it Susan, I think I commented that I am living my own Lifetime Original Movie earlier this month!

    Thanks Panda! You follow my other blog too (A Deputy's Wife) but I haven't been able to post openly there anymore since some dickhead figured out who I was and began searching for gossip-the fallback to living in a small town!

    I appreciate your comments! They keep me going! I figured someone would get offended at something here but so far so good...thanks for reading ladies!

  4. Hang in there. I can't imagine how you must be feeling, but I feel compelled to add my two cents.

    Your soldier distancing himself is probably his way of protecting himself. Since you are still married, he's probably scared that he's going to get into something he can't get out of and he doesn't want to be the homewrecker.

    Whatever it is between you and your husband, I hope you figure it out. You owe it to yourself and your children to find happiness.