Saturday, December 11, 2010

He's being a dick

Big explosion today. My husband has been on the path of never ending asshole and I'm so fed up. He and my oldest son go around in circles. I am so sick of the bitching and arguing and bad attitudes. I didn't agree to this when I agreed to let my husband move back home.

My mood is slowly circling the drain on a downward spiral. I tried to communicate with my husband through text but it just pisses me off even more. I don't like him much when he is around. I've noticed the whole dynamic of this family changes when he wakes up or when he gets home from work.

I'm so irritated with the whole situation that I can't even vent which pisses me off even more. I think I'm just going to go clean something and go to bed. Fuck it all.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Ah, the latest

This chicky has not updated in quite awhile. My apologies to those who miss my often random moments of venting rage. 

I, actually, am doing alright. I'm still unmedicated at the moment...not sure if that is good or not. I haven't killed anyone...but I am REALLY behind in college, my house is a wreck AND I've gained 15 pounds. UGH!

Nonetheless, I am starting round 2 of the HCG diet (where I previously lost 23 pounds in 31 days). Only this time I am going to follow the phase 3 to the letter. I always have to break the rules just to see if they really need to be followed. On the bright side, I am still down 8 pounds from when I began so all is not lost, right!?

I've bought a farm and moved. We have 31 chickens, 1 gander named Duck who thinks he is a hen, a horse, 2 cats and a dog. In two days 6 ducklings will join the mix and I am SUPER excited! I have over a dozen egg customers now and it seems I need more hens to keep up! And I love my little hens, especially this red one that runs out to me each time I approach her like I am her long lost friend! Needless to say, she has taught me to always carry a treat in my pocket just for her. However, the other hens are catching on...I did give them 1/2 a loaf of homemade bread in my desperation to reward them for the attention they showered upon me. Who'd have though so much validation could come from a hen!

Two of my kids are homeschooling and the other two are teetering on the verge of joining their homeschooled siblings. I've been hesitant, honestly, because it has been nice to get a break from the one while he is in school. He does ok. But when he gets in a mood, it's all I can do not to knock him out! UGH! The kid knows how to aggravate me in the least amount of time necessary! I blame it on his father's DNA.

I am wiped out from hunting. I hope to get back on here and fill in the gaps, but as I am unmedicated, I am not making promises as to when that will be. Becoming a farmer has kept me SO busy! But I am loving every minute of it!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

My Enneagram Test Results

Enneagram
free enneagram test


It's been a few years since I took this test and not surprisingly, it says I am still a Type 2 personality. What I didn't know from the previous one, was that I am also tied in three other personality types (5, 7 and 8) by only one point less than Type 2. This is interesting to me as I am also a Gemini (accused of having a "dual personality" which I don't ascribe to) and I've been diagnosed "Bipolar" but this makes me think that perhaps it is just my personality, who I am. Why should I try to medicate away the essence of what makes me...me?

DOMINATE:

Type 2 (score 7/8)
The Helper
The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

SUB-DOMINATE:

Type 5 (score 6/8)
The Investigator
The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type 7 (score 6/8)
The Enthusiast
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on-the-go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type 8 (score 6/8)
The Challenger
The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous and inspiring.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

From the Mama:

My friend whose 13-year-old son died in a car wreck two week ago wrote this on her Facebook page about a dream she had where she saw her son again: 

"‎"I tried to get back to sleep to be right there again for just another moment with Gabe, but you know that doesn't happen. So, after a time of crying, I talked to God. He let me look at it through Gabe's eyes, if he returned. "I was there only for a moment!!! Why did you bring me back? It was so much fun!" Then I thought how cruel I would be to ask for him to come back. Though it's probably been like a moment/few seconds to him, it's been 2 weeks for us...and why would anyone want to leave heaven where they are finally COMPLETE and come back to this chaos here on earth? I wouldn't want to come back. Ozy, about a month or so ago, made a statement on fb that if he goes, don't ask for him to come back. As others have said, if we understood the beauty, joy, peace that awaits us (and BEST OF ALL, WE'D SEE AND BE WITH JESUS!) we would want to be there NOW. =) Thank you Lord for helping me through that one!"

Isn't she amazing! Here, we mourn those who left us and joined God in Heaven. We think about how short their lives were and everything they are missing out on here in this world and how unfair it is that we have to continue our lives without them. But really, we should be rejoicing! They are gone from the sickness and disease, the pain and suffering, the uncertainty...we want them back, not because where they are is so terrible, but because we don't want to continue living our lives without them.

I bet God felt the same thing, especially when He knew the agony Jesus would suffer before joining His Father in Heaven. I bet God, in His perfect loving way, would have rather not allowed Jesus to suffer so greatly.

I have a song that started in my head:

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Big Surprise

I posted a while back about how my ex was acting crazy and sending hate email and whatnot which led to my having to get a restraining order. When we went in to court, the order was lifted and I was just devastated because of the effect my ex's behavior was having on our son who has autism.

Well, yesterday I received an order in the mail from the courts modifying our parenting plan. I was immediately sick to my stomach and didn't want to read it. I never expected to read what the judge ordered.

1. I have sole decision making authority

2. My ex's contact is to be supervised at a place of my choice and at his expense.

3. He gets two 8-hour visits twice monthly except for June and August which increase to six 12-hour visits. No overnight without my approval.

4. He has to give 72 hours notice before a visit and has to file it with the court as well. I cannot deny it without good cause and must file it with the court.

5. He can have telephone contact at reasonable times and the calls can be monitored by me for proper content.

All I can say is...WOW. I didn't see that coming at all. I thought the judge screwed me over in court. I guess I was wrong.

He has a message for those who are hurting:

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Why do they have to die?

My son found out tonight that a friend of his was killed in a car accident this morning. His father was driving, somehow the vehicle rolled and the boy, age 13, was thrown from the vehicle. My son is so upset. There seems to be an epidemic of children dying in car accidents lately. I just don't get it. How many people have to die before they make seatbelt use a priority?

Kids don't have to die. Buckle them up for God's sake!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I'm better today

I am feeling better although I did NOT want to get out of bed. I don't think I am feeling depressed...just tired from all the stress.

Yesterday after court I came home and was SO upset. It feels like everything is going to shit lately...my husband caused us to lose out on moving into a bigger house last month because he procrastinated. But something better came up unexpectedly and we were in agreement to go for this other one instead because we would be buying instead of renting. I was ecstatic!

However, my father called me on Tuesday (I believe it was) and sounded frustrated. He'd spoke with my husband earlier (sort of-my husband was watching a movie and didn't really talk). My father got the impression that my husband isn't interested in the house anymore and it baffles him. So, dad calls me wanting to know what's going on.

I know nothing because my husband hasn't said a word to me about changing his mind. And I'm a bit pissed to hear from my father who lives two states away that my husband doesn't want to leave this town-ever. Well, what the hell?

So, my husband says he wants to look for something "in town" (this house is about 6 miles from the city limits) but I protested. I told him that if he expected me to give up my career aspirations (which is to go into the field of forensics) than he was going to have to agree to live in a house OUTSIDE of town that had enough room for the kids to have their horses, chickens, cows, whatever.

He was silent.

So, yesterday was a terrible day because of what happened in court. When I got home, my husband saw I was upset but stayed in his recliner watching television. I was near tears. When he finally asked how it went, I blurted out that it sucked, I'm sick of living here, I was applying for a job 150 miles away and if I got hired, the kids and I are LEAVING. 

I know he won't leave his job. So, that doesn't really leave us anywhere. We just had our 10th anniversary and here we are with different life paths, different goals, different desires. 

It's hard to think about. I mean, when we were separated for 7-8 months, I became used to being single and I was starting to feel like I would be okay without him. When he asked to come back home, I hesitated. I wanted to honor my marriage vows and give it another shot. But I also felt that, because this was the 4th time in 10 years that he has wanted out of the relationship, that it was only a matter of time before it happened again. 

Well, he's not exactly taking off. It's just that I had goals that I began working on when divorce seemed imminent. I started college with plans to transfer to a university in another state. I had managed to get my shit together to financially support 4 kids on my own (he is step-dad). And I had met someone who I was interested in spending some time with.

I made it very clear to him that I would NOT stay in this area forever. He said he understood and it was fine. Now, here we are 1 year later in a stand-off because I want to leave and he wants to stay.

Well, I'm leaving it in God's hands. If I get the job I am applying for, I am leaving. If I don't, I will stay until I find something somewhere else in the field  my degree is in. Who knows? Maybe my husband will suck it up and come with...especially when I found out today that the employer has 2 positions open, not just one, so we both could work for this office if he was willing to transfer.

I have a feeling though that I will be going without him...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Why bother?

Today sucked. I am so angry I can't hardly stand it. I feel like I was raked through the coals today and completely disregarded because I am bipolar.

My ex is a nut case. This guy has got to be the greatest con artist I have ever met. It just infuriates me. This guy lies, cheats and steals his way through life and when he gets confronted, he almost ALWAYS gets out of it.

I was granted a protection order some time ago because he was stalking me. It lasted for a year and it was WONDERFUL to have some peace. However in that time he violated the order on 3 separate occasions. I reported each incident to the sheriff's office. Nothing ever came of it. No citation. No charges. Nothing.

So, recently my ex began acting like an asshole. He'd been telling our children nasty things like I was a "waste of air" and "not worth [his] time" and even going so far as to say that I am a "selfish bitch".

Then the text messages started. Mostly him telling me that I am a "fucking bitch" which is his favorite thing to call me. I started ignoring his texts which only infuriated him more. So then he sends an email saying that I am a "fucking bitch" (in case I forgot, right?!!) and he hoped I was shot.

Ok. Calling me a "fucking bitch" is one thing. Saying you hope I get shot is another. I took this as a threat to my personal safety. So, I wrote out a statement, attached copies of the text messages, emails and also Facebook exchanges and I turned it in to the (same) sheriff's office. I was issued a temporary protection order and a hearing was scheduled. 

The first hearing gets continued because my lying piece of shit ex claims he didn't get copies of the petition I filed (which is BULL SHIT because the court clerk mailed it to him). So, fine. Whatever. They extend the temporary protection order to today.

Yeah, well, the entire thing was a complete waste of time. The judge allowed my ex to blame my being bipolar on all his behavior. Because I am bipolar he can call me anything he wants. Because I am bipolar, he can say he wants me shot. Because I am bipolar, he says nasty things to our children, which is in violation of our parenting plan, but hey! What the hell! I'm bipolar so fuck the plan.

And they wonder why women don't bother going to the police or courts when in domestic situations. What's the point? The batterer won't be held accountable, at least, not until the woman is dead.

Thank God I was approved for a concealed weapon permit. I hope to God I never have to use it, but won't hesitate if this prick puts me or our children in danger.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Fire at My House Today

Yeah, with fireworks!

So, I went to work today. Around 5 p.m. I was at the grocery store picking up hot dog buns for chili dogs (had to go to two stores since everyone and their monkey is barbecuing this weekend.) As I am checking out at the first store, my husband (who is on duty) calls me to tell me that my youngest son (autistic) snuck out of the house and went to the neighbor's house. He and the girl who lives there took some smoke bombs and a lighter and lit them in the field that my neighbor uses for haying. Though it has been raining and everything is pretty much still green, the grass underneath was dry and it caught the field on fire. The fire department and law enforcement were on the scene and the FD had the fire out very quickly.

But, the damage was done. Thankfully we had almost 1/4 inch of rain last night so it didn't spread as quickly as it could have. We had such strong winds that I can only thank God that it didn't set the entire field ablaze.
Here is a picture I took today:



I feel like I have been going non-stop and really, I have! We took the kids to a rodeo on Sunday. Monday my youngest son had Occupational Therapy (he has autism). Tuesday I worked my tail off. Wednesday was Occupational Therapy again. All day yesterday I ran around trying to complete more errands than I had time for. Each time I arrived home thinking I was finished, my phone would ring and I'd be off again. I made 5 trips in to town!

Thankfully the house is clean and I can now relax for a bit. I would love to go to bed early as I am so tired but something tells me that isn't going to happen.

Friday, June 25, 2010

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Today I am beyond frustrated. I think I am disgusted. Why bother trying anymore? Really? I am SO SICK and tired of asshole people lying their way out of shit. I am even more tired of people not getting off their asses and doing their fucking jobs! If they can't be counted on to do little jobs, how am I supposed to trust they won't fuck up the big jobs?

I'm so pissed off. I think I need to go clean something. But I really want to just scream and lie on my bed doing nothing. I need to go fill my mood stabilizer is what I need to do.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

UGH! Crap-ass day!

Well, the court hearing is tomorrow, not today but that's not why it's a crap-ass day.

My daughter was raped. I don't know what to do to help her. She is now 14 but it happened when she was 13. My husband is devastated and naturally wants to kill the guy. He just held my daughter and cried. I wish she would have told us sooner. But we've been in contact with authorities and they are doing their job. I guess we have to trust that things will work out the way their supposed to. In the meantime we have STD tests and whatnot to deal with. 

I hate that this prick did this to her. She doesn't even realize that even though she didn't resist that it was rape. She wanted so badly to remain a virgin until marriage. I knew something was wrong because her behavior was so unlike her the past several months. I asked her many times if she needed to talk about anything and she always told me she didn't. I am so angry that my poor baby has been violated like this. I am almost beyond emotion...it's like a dream and any second I'll wake up and everything will be okay.

My husband feels like a total failure. He feels like he failed her as a step-father and a protector. I feel like shit because she asked to go to the church to play basketball and I wanted to say no only because I was feeling rather bitchy. But I made myself agree and I drove her up there. Had I said no to her, it wouldn't have happened.

I know people say that you can't play the "what if" game. It's hard not to. My thoughts are so jumbled right now. I can't even think.

I was raped when I was about 10 or 11. I told my mother. She didn't do anything. She just told me it was "okay to say no" and even found a stupid pin for me to wear on my shirt that proclaimed that. No police. No doctors. Oh, but she did have me put on birth control "in case it happens again". UGH!

I seriously don't know how to handle this correctly. I know my mother's way wasn't the right way and I have really held bitterness against her ever since. I don't want to overreact but I don't want to under-react either.

*Sigh* I think my daughter hates me. I think she hates me because I told my husband. She just doesn't understand. She'll probably never tell me anything again. 

Big Day Today

Today is going to be a stressful one. I have an appointment in about an hour with my psychologist. I'm not really looking forward to that. I don't like her. It's not because she is buddhist or that she is a lesbian, it's because it seems all she wants to discuss is my past sexual abuse and I am SO tired of talking about it.

I have a plan for today, however. The purpose of my going, in my opinion, is to manage bipolar disorder. So, today's focus is going to be on that. And only that. And that is all we will discuss from here on out throughout this whole forced counseling thing. I really hate that I even have to go to begin with. But, I have to jump through these hoops in order to keep on the program that pays for my medication.

On the bright side, right after I am done with her, I see my nurse who I REALLY like. She is so nice and we have a lot in common. She is fun to talk to and really is there, I feel, to help manage this condition. I wish the psychologist was the same way.

This afternoon I have court. It's for the protection order that was issued three weeks ago against my ex who has been stalking my family and I. I pray to God that the judge extends the order. My son is doing SO much better now and I hate to think of how much stress he is going to endure if his father is allowed to resume contacting him. I have also enjoyed the peace and quiet since his privileges were suspended when the order was issued.

Will update later after court. Wish me luck & pray for God's favor.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Well! Hello Aunt Flow!

I seriously hate the first day of my menstrual cycle. I didn't sleep for shit last night. Between the cramps and my body feeling like it got hit by a train after eight and one-half hours of busting my ass cleaning cabins at the lake, I tossed and turned most of the night.


Took the kids and hubby and dog to the lake on Father's Day. We had fun. I sunbathed while the kids wore themselves out playing in the water. I did manage to go in up to my upper thigh but when it started getting difficult to see my feet, THAT is when I turn around and head back in. I just HATE lakes, rivers, the ocean, etc. I like to look at them but don't like going in. I mean, shit! There are fish in those things that would see me and think, "YUM! Food!" No thanks. I'd like to keep my legs, thank you.


So, three of my four kids decided they want to resume homeschooling. I am a bit excited about it, but also worried. I know I can do it as we've done it before. It's just I'll be finishing up my last six college classes for my degree and, well, my kids weren't very cooperative last spring when they were in public school...I just don't know how well this will work out with them home during the day. Then again, it's only until December. Early December. I can survive that, right?


I think my friend's husband was hitting on me the other night. We went over to have a party, I guess you could say. We made some blended drinks and sat up playing video games until 4 a.m. We all had brought pajamas since we don't drink and drive.


Anyway, at one point I was singing something on Sing Star (I have no clue what anymore) and I don't know what was said but I recall saying that I sounded ridiculous and he remarked something about I sounded "cute". Innocent enough so I didn't say anything. However later on after our spouses went to bed, we sat up playing, still, along with my oldest daughter. He made a comment about we all needed to go to bed (which he was right) and I forget what I said, something to the tune of "No one's stopping you from going to bed." and his reply included asking me if I needed to be "spanked". Um...no I do not.


Anyway, at that point I made a b-line for my husband and the air mattress he was "sleeping" on. I knew he wasn't asleep but he didn't say a word about what my friend's husband said to me nor did he mention it when we woke up. I am a little surprised since I KNOW he heard the exchange...but then again I'm not too surprised since he HATES confrontation and he isn't one to really fight for what is rightfully his...which is a character flaw that annoys the HELL out of me.


The comments made by my friend's husband may not seem bad, but they sent off red flags for me because he has been repeatedly unfaithful to her in the past, even going so far as to sleep with a teenager! My friend says she was 17 but he says she was 19. Regardless, he cheated and I don't like being around him when our spouses aren't around as well.


Other than that, not much new to report. I did manage to get our corn planted today. We've had so much rain lately that it might be too late. Hopefully we will have an Indian Summer so my crops have a bit more time to mature. I need to get some canning and dehydrating done to store up food before winter comes. Especially since it looks like we will spend another winter in this shitty house. UGH I wish my husband would pull his head out and decide what the fuck we're doing! I'm so sick of being in limbo.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

WOW, Crazy Times

Ugh, where do I begin?

I have been rapid cycling, I think, for about the past month. I think it is in response to stress but I am not certain at this point. I started having depressive moods after my ex sent me hate email which lead to the restraining order. I was starting to come out of it when my husband and I thought we were going to move from our 3 bedroom house into a 5 bedroom house (every kid would have their own room and I would NEVER have to hear "but I cleaned up MY stuff, it's all his/hers). But it fell through and we are not moving and I actually cried. Yep. Cried. How pathetic.

So, last weekend we invited some close friends over for a BBQ. We decided it would be an overnighter...everyone had to bring pajamas because no one would be driving home. We set up a huge tent outside for all of the kids and built them a fire pit so they could make s'mores while we grownups played video games and cards inside while enjoying some drinks and Jello shots.

My son, 14, comes to me the next afternoon in tears and asks if he can talk to me alone. He is just sobbing. Apparently his girlfriend (whose parents stayed the night) came on pretty strongly in the tent and it freaked him out. Clothes never came off, THANK GOD, but even though he resisted, she dared him to basically dry hump her, so, he did. And he felt SO BAD. I stood in the kitchen as he confessed and held him while he cried his eyes out for nearly 15 minutes. Poor kid.

That I handled well. The next day I was on the phone with my father.I was telling him about what went on with my son. As we are talking, his twin sister is listening while she cleaned the kitchen. I notice after awhile that she is crying. When I question her, she gets hysterical and all she can say is that she was sorry she lied.

Ok....?

Well, to make a long story short, my daughter is no longer a virgin. And she lied about it twice. I didn't freak out. I hugged her and allowed her to cry it out on my shoulder. Granted, I wanna kill the little fuck that stole it from her. But what can I do? It was a couple months ago. I guess it had been eating her up inside for awhile.

Well, the past several days I have been hypomanic. I am certain it is stress related..shock related. I don't know. But I did make an appointment with my PNP and my Psychologist for next week. I need to figure out what my triggers are and formulate a plan that will help my husband know what to do when he sees certain signs.

Anyway...it's almost 2 a.m. here and I need to get some Bible time in before going to sleep. So, will have to write again later. I SO need to go to bed.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Time for a Protection Order

My ex has really been escalating the past few weeks. Between text messages, voice mails and Facebook, he's made it pretty clear how he feels about me. Last night, however, he really crossed the line.

You'll recall at the beginning of the month that my account got hacked on Facebook and my Yahoo account. That crazy email was also sent to my ex. Last night I discovered an email sent by him earlier in the evening in response to the one sent out by my hacker. The reply said, "Stay in eurpoe u fuckn bitch hopefully u get shot." Reading this made my stomach turn.

He also sent a friend request to my oldest daughter who has never really had any contact with him in ten years. He believes we have a new phone number and was trying to get it out of her. We don't have a "real" phone number so she had no idea what he was talking about. I had her delete him from her friends list and block him.

Harassing my father on Facebook was his next logical step. He sent a friend request and my father immediately shut him down. I gotta admit, my father's reply to it did make me smile, "pay your child support dirtbag" which my ex responded to very negatively. Unfortunately the harassment continued so my father deleted his own Facebook profile (which really ticks me off).

Of course I have many text reminders from him that I am a "fuckn bitch". And we can't forget the statements he's made to my kids about me "not being worth [his] time" and that I am "a waste of air".

So, now's the time to reinstate the no contact order. It's really sad. I don't know why he can't just grow up and be civil. Why does he have to do these things to my kids, my family and me?

Friday, May 28, 2010

Prick Olympics?

I'm certain my fucktard of an ex could take the gold medal. He sent a friend request on Facebook to my oldest daughter (who is not his child and has had almost zero contact with him ever) because he is convinced I gave him a fake phone number (never mind that he just called the kids on it two days ago.) Then he sends a friend request to MY FATHER! So my father gives the perfect reply to this ass's friend request, "Pay your child support dirt bag!" Sometimes it just pays to have an alcoholic for a father, LOL!

I am really irritable tonight and finding myself wanting to drink. I do have a bottle of Arbor Mist (which really isn't alcohol IMO) but I just am not in the mood for wine. I don't-not let me correct that-I won't go to the store and buy some beer. I am on day 2 of my period and am agitated and I know it will just make me crash into a mixed episode.

My soldier has finally answered an IM. I am shocked. He is not doing well after his deployment. I figured as much but he says he is getting help. I hope he isn't lying about it. I miss talking with him. Probably not a good thing. It's hard not to. My husband is basking in his glory after getting the award in Washington D.C. and is too busy making lesbian coworkers jealous of him getting a photo and autograph from Abby (Pauley Perette) from NCIS (amongst other celebs). He just doesn't seem to think about me much...

Maybe I am selfish. Maybe I want or expect too much from my husband. I don't know. I am dissatisfied, that's for sure but I am not sure if it is him or what?

I did have a great birthday. And he was thoughtful and full of surprises. I was actually a little suspicious because he not only got an unexpected gift, he also got one for me from all four kids AND he ordered a cake.  Can someone say "Holy Shit!" This is the same man who hasn't done gifts even for Christmas or my previous birthdays. He was ALWAYS late...like it was an afterthought. It would hurt so bad.

But this year, he not only did all of that but he also got things I would like...that were really for me! That makes me think I am being a picky bitch. But man, some days I feel so far down the food chain from him that I wonder if he even notices me...

I hate being on my period. It makes my mind so crazy.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Whew, where to begin...

I have to begin by saying I am EXHAUSTED! And, I forgot to take my pills this morning so I'm a little...elevated.

So, last time I blogged, I had been hacked. A lot has happened since then. I went to Washington D.C. with my husband for a week and had an AMAZING time! Actually, we were in Virginia for 4 nights and spent 3 nights in D.C. We went to Arlington National Cemetery, Lincoln Memorial, WWII Memorial, Washington Monument, Air & Space Museum, Holocaust Museum, Vietnam Veteran's Memorial, Iwo Jima Memorial, ummm.....man, we saw so many things. I took nearly 1000 pictures while we were there!

We went to the White House and met the President and U.S. Attorney General. We also went to an awards ceremony followed by an awesome reception in the hotel we stayed at. We had pictures taken and autographs from Pauley Perrette (NCIS-Abby); David McCullum (NCIS: Ducky); Jeremy Ratchford from Cold Case; the guy from 24 (I forget his name...something foreign) along with Eames and Stabler from Law & Order CI and SVU. OH and I almost forgot...JOHN WALSH! 

My husband saved my tastebuds from imminent destructions by informing me that what I was about to eat was NOT cheesecake and blueberries but some kind of crappy cheese and beluga caviar. Can someone say ICK! Thank God he didn't wait to tell me until AFTER I put it in my mouth (although I should have guessed since it isn't normal to have crackers next to cheesecake and blueberries, right?) We had our 10th anniversary while there and the trip was more or less the honeymoon we never had. It was a great trip!

Let's see...I finished school. Passed all classes except Algebra. I decided to take the summer off and am looking forward to the break. Three of my four children have decided to home school so I will be preparing for that this summer. I am working as a housekeeper at a nearby lake that has cabins and rooms for rent. It's not glamorous but it's honest and pays good. I actually really like it. Any mom can clean better than a pro!

I have so much to write about but my brain is so scattered right now since I am unmedicated. I can't think very clearly. So, rather than ramble on and confusing the hell out of everyone, I'm going to call it quits for now and check in tomorrow maybe.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Facebook & Yahoo HACKED!

Oh I am freaking pissed! Some asshole hacked my Facebook account and an old Yahoo email account that I use for spam mail. A mass email was sent out to my family and friends:

"I am caught up in a real mess and i need your help. I'm sorry I didn't inform you about my trip ,I had a trip to the London,United Kingdom and a bizarre thing happened to me.I was mugged at gun point last night, the muggers carted away with all my belongings excluded my passport.Cell,c-card,cash and some important documents are all gone.

I was able to make contact with the Uk Police and i was directed to the Embassy, but they seems to be taking things too slow. So i have limited access to emails for now, please i need you to lend me some money so i can make arrangements and return back I am full of panic now,the police only asked me to write a statement about the

incident and directed me to the embassy,i have spoken to the embassy here but they are not responding to the matter effectively, I will return the money back to you as soon as i get home, I am so confused right now.i wasn't injured because I complied immediately.I can't cry cause that won't solve my problem, please come to my Aid

I need your help so urgently.. My flight leaves pretty soon but i am having problems sorting out the hotel bills and also need getting my ticket straightened out. I need your help. I need a quick loan to get things fixed out here, I promise to refund as soon as i get back home.. please reply asap. so i can tell what to do and how to get the money to me..

Hope to read from you soon.."

Then it is signed with my first and last name. UGH!!! Even more creepy is that a friend of mine was on Facebook when the person who hacked my Facebook IMed her and started telling her about being "mugged at gunpoint" etc. She said I seemed mad at her and then I deleted her. So she called me, upset, wanting to know what she did wrong. At the same time, my sister is texting me wanting to know WTF and here I am changing passwords and doing damage control.

THANKFULLY Facebook caught it VERY quickly and disabled my account. I went ahead and disabled my Yahoo account and changed all of my other accounts that had it as an alternate email address for password recovery.

UGH I hate cyberassholes!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Eh Today...

Not up. Not down. Just "eh".

I saw my oldest daughter today. She went to stay with friends of mine up north to get some "intervention". She is doing really good and I was glad to see her happy, relaxed and smiling. I felt a little awkward and she did too...a little. One the drive home I felt like crying a little because I do miss her. That and Aunt Flow has been hanging around the last few days.

My hubby finally fixed the dryer yesterday. So my goal for today was to conquer the laundry which has procreated faster than freaking rabbits! I hate doing laundry but I hate laundry piling up even more than I hate doing it.

So, we leave for Washington D.C. on Sunday-Mother's Day. I am not sure how I feel about it. Money is so tight. I want to go but then again I don't. I'm still adjusting to the increase in mood stabalizer so I don't feel full blown depressed at this point...but I don't feel fantastic either. Now I understand what my PNP meant when she said some patients don't take their pills because they like mania. I'll take manic over this anyday!

I finished two classes and have three to go. As usual I'm procrastinating. I have a couple exams and two or three papers to write. I just can't do it in a messy house especially knowing that my father is showing up in 3 days. If only I didn't live with distant members of the pork family...

Well, time to restart the dryer. I'm kicking ass today with laundry...now have to actually put all the crap away...WORST part I think!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Controlling Stress

For me, taking medication consistently and on time helps. It doesn't help control the stressful things around me, but helps me better cope with the stress I experience. I hate that I have Bipolar disorder because sometimes it is so hard to control my thoughts and the things I say. Hateful words can burst from my lips before I even realize what I'm saying (at which time the damage is done).
I find that when I forget to take the medicine, I am more sensitive to my environment and tend to overreact to those normal everyday annoyances. I am too easily annoyed with my husband and kids. I then snap at them for the slightest thing...for instance my son called me for a phone number and my first instinct was to throw my phone across the room because people wouldn't quit calling me. I had to stop myself from slamming it down on the counter (it's one of those Blackberry Smart Phones) instead chewing my son a new one. I had forgot to take my pills the day before and started drinking alcohol which caused my mood to plummet. I am still recovering from that slip.

The medications help me not be PMS on steroids. This article explains, " Several disorders that are characterized by psychotic symptoms can be treated using antipsychotics. Some such disorders are bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, and postpartum psychosis. Further on, they may be used as mood stabilizers. People suffering from chronic stress often experience extreme mood swings. Antipsychotics can help stabilize the mood and help deal better with stress and related conditions."


I underlined the part about people having extreme mood swings who have chronic stress because that is definitely me. Most of the stress is beyond my control-really, who wants to have negative stress in their life? I have set up an account at Mood Tracker which sends me text messages every day reminding me to take my medication and to make an entry into my daily journal. It also sends alerts to my husband on his phone if I log a mood that is moderately to severely depressed or elevated (manic). The neat thing about it is that Mood Tracker also alerts my husband if I sleep to little (less than 5 hours) which is an indicator of mania and also if I sleep more than 10 hours (an indicator of depression). I can then print out a monthly chart which to show to my health care provider.


Ultimately I am responsible for my wellbeing. Just like someone with diabetes, I have to follow the regime and take care of myself. When I don't, not only do I suffer, but I cause the suffering of those around me and THAT sucks!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Winding Down...Caitlin Update

This is my last week of school (THANK GOD!) and I've decided to take the summer off. I'm burnt out and three of my four children decided that they want to homeschool so I've need to prepare for having two 5th graders (one who has an IEP) and a 9th grader.

I sent my oldest daughter up north to a ranch owned by friends of mine. She was really getting influenced by her peers in public school and going down the wrong path. I'm sure you recall my rant last month about "Teenagers SUCK". Well this daughter is the main character in that entry.

Anyway, I've pulled her out of public school against her will. She left to go to the ranch on Friday. I am happy to say that I spoke to her yesterday and she already sounds like her old self before public school wrecked her. And I am happy to say that she has already made up her mind to homeschool and she is having a GREAT time on the ranch. She is taking care of (and learning how to break) a baby quarterhorse (A cute little pinto) and a goat that is expected to have kids anyday. In addition to that she has to take care of the chicken, including gathering eggs which she loves except for one rather crabby hen.

The family has foster children...a couple infants and a pregnant teen. My daughter loves babies (but doesn't want any right now) so is in heaven helping out there. Seeing someone so close in age to her who is already pregnant is a real eye-opener and I am glad she is there to witness first hand how much it sucks being a pregnant teen.

These friends of mine have homeschooled all of their children. They are a traditional Christian family who truly live a Christ-centred life. That's not to say that they are narrow-minded fundamentalists. They just have the traditional morals and values that I want my children to have. It's hard to have that here at home since my husband isn't a very active participant...it almost defeats the purpose. But we try.

Anyway, I'm leaving this weekend for Washington D.C. I would love to say I am excited but honestly, I'm not. Money is really tight and I don't know how we are going to pull this off and pay all of the bills too. My husband refuses to get stressed about it but I think he's trying to put on a calm face for my benefit. He's worked some overtime but I don't know if it will be enough.

Ok, update on Caitlin. She is still in the hospital and her mom is still in the Ronald McDonald house. If anyone gets the opportunity or inspiration, PLEASE collect pop tabs or make a donation. My friend has had to utilize them a few times now and it really is a great charity. You can call the main office closest to you and they will send you these cute cardboard houses to put pop tabs in. My daughter did it one year for a Girl Scout project, placing a house in every bar and casino in town!

As for me, I am doing much better now that my meds have been changed. I was SO depressed that I didn't want to even get out of bed. I am so far behind on may obligations and I feel like crap for it. I've got to get my ass in gear and get caught up. UGH, did I mention I HATE being bipolar? I don't know how I am ever going to recover my reputation with having let down so many people.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Good Morning!

It is amazing how much adequate sleep can do for mood! I feel so good now. I did start the increased Lamicatal though I'm not sure how long it takes before feeling the effects.

You will see above a new page called "Follow The Leader" on my blog. This is my final paper for English Comp 2. It's a bit controversial. I discuss Christianity and Sexuality. The gist of it is that we as Christians (in general) are not practicing what we preach when it comes to matters of sexuality. As a group, we have the highest rate of divorce, abortion, our teens are more likely to engage in unprotected teen sex, and we have over 50% of families in our group that admit pornography is a proble. Additionally we criticize, sometimes unfairly, the homosexual population. Many times we mistakenly assume someone who is gay is engaging in homosexual sex however there are in existance gay virgins who are waiting for that "right person". The paper itself was 12 pages long-double spaced and including my Works Cited page. If you get bored or are interested, please read it and give feedback. All of my information is based on studies, mostly from groups like Barna.

That said, I have an Algebra exam due at 10 a.m. today. It's a review of the 7 chapters we covered this semester. I also have a final exam due by May 9th that I want to finish early.I've decided to take the summer off and feel that was a smart decision as I am burnt out. I need to do a new FAFSA for fall semester and should get that done soon.

I was thinking about baking some home made cinnamon rolls today. I have a wonderful recipe called "Clone of a Cinnabon" but I really feel it should be renamed "Better than Cinnabon" because it is just delicious! And they are made mostly in the bread machine so there isn't the usual amount of work involved.

Hmmm....that makes me think....maybe I should create a recipes page. I have some favorites that are so yummy! I am all about quick and/or easy since I have four children. I often post what we are eating on Facebook and people ask for recipes. I find all of them online though didn't save the sources so might have to do a little digging so I give credit where it is due. I have been in many recipe swaps on Swap-bot as well so have amassed quite an interesting collection there: Mexican Lasagna; Ghetto Stirfry; over a dozen fudge recipes (YUMMERS!!!). Hmmm....I'll have to think about it. I would LOVE to receive some of the favorite recipes of my favorite readers...my contact email address is located on my profile but I'll repost here for simplicity: bipolar-rollercoaster [at] hotmail [dot] com.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Med Change/Prayer Request/Ummm.....

First off, I just returned from a 600 mile round trip with my best friend to take her teen daughter to the psychiatric hospital to be admitted. The daughter has had mental issues for quite some time, OCD type behavior with depression, severe anxiety and social phobias. She has struggled with hearing voices for quite some time.

Her PCP decided to give her Prozac (fluoxitine) to treat the depression. She also takes Strattera and I think there was something else...maybe tegretol? Anyway, for the past three days she has had a terrible reaction to the Prozac. She had suicidal thoughts. She believes in God but voices were telling her that God was fake and she should just kill herself. She was so upset. The voices had told her to hurt her family and she has had very vivid dreams-nightmares rather, of hurting herself and others. The poor kid is a mess!

Anyway, her PCP decided this was an emergency and she needed to be hospitalized right away. So we left last night around 9pm. We arrived at the hospital around 2:30 in the morning. By 6 a.m. she was finally admitted. Please pray for Caitlin. We don't know how long she will be in the hospital. She is very motivated and wants to get well. Her family is staying in the Ronald McDonald House but money is a big issue so pray for some help there. And pray for her mother. She has her own similar issues without the voices and such. She is having difficulty with anxiety. The family has two disabled boys who have albinism (they are albino) and autism.

I left around 8 a.m. to make the 300-mile trip back home in time for my appointment with my PNP. I was fortunate that my husband agreed to come with me. After discussing my struggles the past few weeks, we determined that the pharmacy screwed up on my prescriptions. I am supposed to be taking 150mg of Lamictal daily. I have only been receiving 100mg. With the cut in Wellbutrin it just caused me to slide to a low. So, we received an completely new prescription that clearly states the dosage and hopefully tomorrow the pharmacy can get me the right meds. We will probably increase the Strattera next month but for now she was more concerned with mood stabalization. I am okay with that. My husband was relieved.

What else....hmmm....well, I'm failing my college algebra class. My mood is still depressed so I don't care much right now, but I probably will later. Speaking of which, I have an exam to take... 

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Coming Back Up

One thing that I really hate about being bipolar is having depression. I have been mildly depressed for the last few weeks. But I think I hit my bottom a few days ago. I found myself biting off my son's head because he called me to ask for the phone number of our Youth Pastor. UGH! I hate when I lose it. I feel so bad afterwards. And frustrated.

I should have seen the clues. I've lost interest in school (which I love), sex (which I really love), exercising (which was the highlight of my day), and I've gained about 4 pounds. Life sucks sometimes. I also found myself drinking. Probably could call it binge drinking I suppose. I didn't catch it right away and my husband is too chicken to say anything. But I began to realize it after drinking 6 mojitos in a few hours one night. Damn. I'm certain that only made the depression worse.

So, while the medications are keeping me more stable, I do now know that when I sink, I sink pretty low. Nothing like unloading on your husband, telling him how sick  you are of being a wife and mother and you want to drop out of school and run away and on and on and on...poor guy. I do wish he'd help me when I get like that but I don't think he knows what to do. I did ask him to accompnay me on my next visit to my PNP (Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner). I need to know if I start to sink that he will speak up or get me help if I truly need it. Right now I think I scare him too much and it paralyzes him.

So, I caught my 10-year-old autistic son mimicking smoking. I smacked him on the face and told him never to pretend to do that again. I don't know if I overreacted or not. I didn't smack him hard, but it did get his attention. This occurred after another earlier incident where he asked to take his Boy Scout uniform off because he had a t-shirt underneath and it was warming up a bit after the wind died down. I said "yes" and began helping him with his buttons )he still has problems with fine motor skills. Anyway, he replies, "Good because I'm fucking hot" and it just flowed out of his mouth like it was the most natural thing for him to say. I was stunned.

Well, we spent several hours this evening working on Scouting badges. As we were winding down we talked about his fitness badge (which I decided we were working on after the pretend smoking incident). As we were going through the checklist, it mentioned he needed to explain why smoking and chewing tobacco were harmful to the body. Then he says "I saw something bad in your purse, Mom, when I was getting in the car." Well, I knew what he saw...

He saw cigarettes. A pack of Camel 9's. They've been in there for about 3 weeks. Unopened. I haven't smoked in 7 years. In my psychology class we were discussing media and the way it affects people and I came across the ad for these things and they were so cute. The compaign manager really did an amazing job on this promotion. I was intrigued by the pink & black packaging, the pink camel on each individual cigarette and even more curious about the reviews I read that claimed the cigarettes tasted "fruity" and didn't smell like regular cigarettes. Hmmm...so, I bought some. And they've sat in my purse ever since. And the little booger saw them. UGH!!!



Seriously, how ingenius was the person behind this marketing scheme? Damn. Now I have to figure out how to explain to my autistic son who has zero comprehension of abstract concepts why I have a pack of cigarettes in my purse when I tell him how bad they are and he gets in trouble for pretending.

Good one Mom! Epic FAIL!

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm Old So She's Fat!

So says my beloved 14-year-old daughter whose been the main subject of my blogs lately. She comments to her friend that she needs to lose weight. Her friend askes why. She replies, "Because my mom can fit in my clothes so I know I'm getting fat..." Nice.

Mind you, I am 5 feet 2 inches (with shoes on). I weigh about 165 but am fairly muscular (I work out several days each week). I know I can't look like a water buffalo...I have way too many winks and smiles and flirts from men when I am out and about. On those rare occasions that I do decide to go have a drink at a bar, I rarely spend money.

But, according to my daughter, if your mother can fit in your clothes, you need to lose weight.

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Countdown Begins...

So, it's 11 days until my husband's birthday (May 1st). 20 days until Mother's Day (May 9th) when we live for Washington D.C. Which means it is 24 days until our 10th anniversary when we come back from D.C. (May 15th) and as if May couldn't be anymore a party month for us, 35 days until my birthday on May 24th! Don't forget Memorial Day too! If we were in college we would probably spend the month drunk, LOL. But at almost 37 (him) and me almost 33, those days are long gone. We can't party like rockstars anymore...the closest we get is last night's BBQ with some friends and SingStar on the PS3!

So, my hubby gets a call from the association that is presenting him with an award next month-hence our trip to D.C. They wanted my social security number for a federal background check. Reason is because we will be taken to the Rose Garden at the White House where my husband will be addressed by the President in addition to Fmr. Pres. Bush (junior) and Fmr. Pres. Clinton (NOT Hillary, LOL!) I believe we will have a private tour of the White House as well. There is supposed to be a bunch of "important" people there...politicians, celebrities...I couldn't tell you who most of them are. I don't follow politics and rarely watch television so I'm not impressed. I didn't vote for Obama and don't care for much of his politics, but I know meeting and shaking the hand of the President is a once-in-a-lifetime thing so will be on my best behavior (and medicated, LOL).

I am more looking forward to the evening ceremony. That is where my husband will be presented with his award. John Walsh is presenting it and there will be some of the cast from Law & Order and NCIS. The association sent a film crew out last month to film the re-enactment and to tape an interview with my husband to be airred at the ceremony. I am really eager to see how they put it all together.

We sent off the RSVP card for our tickets to the ceremony and reception. My MIL did finally decide to pay the $200 for her and my FIL. I think she thought if she balked enough that they'd just let her in for free. I was hoping she'd refuse to pay but my hubby drove over and showed her the RSVP card and made her write a check for the tickets. I could have killed him for that. There was a deadline for mailing it back and she was aware of it. I felt if she really wanted to go, she'd get the money to him for their tickets. I don't think he should have had to go over and get it. I don't get that man sometimes. He doesn't want her to go but he goes over to make sure her tickets are ordered. UGH!!! Why does he insist on torturing me like that?

I don't care. She's now talking about staying in Virginia because my youngest daughter told her where we were going to be. So, I decided that I am choosing where were are staying and it WON'T be in D.C. or Virginia and I'm not telling ANYONE where we will be until we are checked in, not even my husband. The only way my MIL will crash our "honeymoon" is to actually follow us.

Despite that, I still feel on edge about my relationship with my husband. Some days are great...others...not so much. The more I talk about leaving to another state to finish college, the more quiet he gets about it. I don't know what to think...I won't stay here with my MIL two miles away. I think he is waiting until the last second to make up his mind. Should I plan to leave without him? His going or not really is a big factor on where I choose to go...many times lately I've regretted reconciling and letting him come back home. Behaviorally he is fine...happy, cooperative, sensitive...it's just this thing between him and his mother that REALLY bothers me. *Sigh* What to do?

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Teenagers SUCK, Part 2

So, we went to the police station yesterday and my son was interviewed and photographed. We then went to the highschool and spoke with the principal and vice prinvipal. During the course of the conversation reference was made to my daughter's cell phone. Apparently she'd had it taken away at school the day prior and it had been placed in the safe for a parent to pick up. Interestingly neither my husband or I picked up the phone yet my daughter had it when she came home from school. Interesting.....

A little investigating by the vice principal revealed that my daughter's friend called her mother and asked if she would come and say the phone was hers so my daughter could get it back without my husband or I finding out she'd had it taken away. AND THE MOTHER AGREED AND DID IT!

I don't know what to say in regards to that...except WTF?

Then, later on while I am doing school work, one of my daughter's friends begin to text me asking if my daughter can go hang out with her, promising me that she wouldn't allow my daughter to get into any trouble...AS IF! I couldn't help but laugh.

Then today my daughter comes to me with a proposition that she'll clean the garage out if she can have her cell phone back. That was a big fat NO. I don't know what part of "grounded from your cell phone indefinitely" my daughter did not comprehend.

Oh yeah, and I spoke with her sperm donor (aka: father) yesterday as well. Filled him in and he actuallt whines to me and asks if she can have her cell phone to at least text with him. Are you freaking serious? Then he has the nerve to say that my son (HIS son) needs to grow up. I'm sorry...WHAT?!!!

I swear, friends should NOT let friends drink and date. If they do, friends should MAKE SURE friends don't have sex while drinking with their date. Seriously. Have you ever had one of those days where you wonder what the HELL you were thinking? I've been having LOTS of those lately!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Teenagers suck!

But we already know that, right?

I had to ground my daughter indefinitely. I hate it. I hate seeing her cry and be miserable. But she SO crossed the line tonight--NOT even funny.

I was contacted by the police that my son has been used as a punching bag at school for several months now. WHY the school didn't call me to notify me is beyond my comprehension and I intend to get to the bottom of THAT in the morning. I support that they contacted law enforcement. I DON'T support them not clueing me in before I get the call to bring my son in to have his bruises, which he's told me nothing about, photographed for evidence.

His twin sister takes it upon herself to CALL HIS BULLY and inform him that the police will contact him for questioning. Her rationale...she felt the Bully had a "right to know". Words cannot describe what I felt when she said that to me....

Anyway, her cell phone was confiscated. Upon checking the text messages she'd sent to see what was really said, we find out one of her friends had been in trouble a few times for smoking pot, she'd snuck out of the house a few times and has been smoking cigarettes (nevermind that she'd just got off grounding for getting drunk with her grandmother and then went to church hung over!) Grandma got turned in to the police, by the way...

I seriously don't know what to do with her. Why she would call this little ass that has been terrorizing kids is beyond my comprehension. She couldn't give a reasonable explaination either. I don't want to be too hard on her, but DAMN IT. From my point of view, she basically screwed over her brother who has to face this little ass tomorrow after he gets done getting photographed and interviewed by police.

I don't understand. Can someone make me understand? The only logical conclusion I can draw is that teenagers are brain damaged.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Y Chromosomes...EPIC FAIL

I am so effing menstrual right now it about makes me homicidal. FUCK!!!!!

So, my husband and I were separated for about 7 months, right. At about 5 months in to it I started loosening up and considering the possibility of maybe going out on a date...maybe. Well, I come to find out that a guy I'd known for over 11 years had secretly been in "love" with me and he took the opportunity to tell me.

Of course I was flattered. He's a great guy! He is very handsome and hardworking and compassionate and intelligent and I could go on and on. Anyway, to make a long story short, we began seeing each other...sort of.

You see, he was deployed to Afghanistan. So, I guess I felt "safe" since he was on the other side of the planet fighting Taliban and all that madness. He'd call me almost every day and we'd talk for hours. It was so nice to be desired by someone, especially when my husband was going out of his way to make it clear he had no intentions or desire to remain married to me.

Needless to say, when my husband asked if he could come home, I was very torn. I felt obligated to my husband (as a Christian) to forgive and give him another chance-a fifth chance in actuality. But my heart was not with my husband, it was with my soldier.

I made the decision to do what I felt was morally right and agreed to try to reconcile with my husband. Every part of my heart rebelled and wanted to keep my soldier. I cried quietly at night because my heart hurt for him and I missed our talks. He'd asked me to marry him and we'd discussed plans for the future. I didn't feel like he was a rebound for me since we couldn't actually see or touch each other face-to-face, and I'd already known him for so long...we'd all lived together at one point so I already knew his habits and whatnot. It was so surreal.

Anyway, he agreed to step back and allow me to try this reconciliation with my husband. He didn't like it and neither did I. But he was a Christian as well and he understood why I had decided to give my husband another opportunity to make things right.

That was in June. Now, ten months later, I have days when I believe I made a mistake saying "yes" to my husband. I had sent an email to my soldier a few weeks back asking him what his intentions were...did he plan to continue waiting? I didn't get a response. We are friends on Facebook and I posted things on his wall...nothing that would compromise my marriage, but saying Hi and things like that.

A few days ago my soldier's niece posted something on his facebook wall. It was cute. She introduced herself, reminding him that she was his niece and she missed him and that since it was springtime, they could start over and he could resume texting with her and calling and Facebooking. I added a comment that I agreed with her...and left him a =/.

Today I noticed he finally came on Facebook. He replied to his niece, but I may as well have not posted anything at all. He didn't acknowledge me at all. He didn't reply to my email nor has he replied to my texts...simple texts like "hi, how are you?" It's such bullshit and I am just raging pissed at him. 

I'm sitting here contemplating why I am so upset with him...and I think it's because I was falling in love with him...maybe...I don't know. It has to be something like that otherwise it wouldn't bother me so much that he is silent to me. I don't know why. I asked him if I pissed him off and he called me to tell me I was crazy and not to think that way. But that was like 2 months ago.

He is back stateside and has been since December. I commented how ironic it was that since he's been back, we've spoke only 3 or 4 times whereas when he was in Afghanistan getting shot at every day and taking rockets and shit, that he'd call at least once a day. He even remarked how funny that was.

I guess I am disappointed. And hurt. Maybe I was holding on to him as someone to fall back on if my husband flaked again or if I decided to call it quit and file for divorce. I seriously don't know what to think anymore. I am so conflicted, especially since my mother-in-law is going out of her way to make me miserable and my husband is more or less reverting back to his old self who I had firmly stated was NOT who I wanted to be married to...

I fucking hate being on my period. I hate being left in limbo. I hate being confused. I hate being bipolar and feeling like I am losing my mind and UGH!

And to make matters worse...I tried to get my hair back to it's natural blonde after having dyed it dark brown...I now look like my head is on fire. It's ridiculous. I want to shave off all of my hair and start over fresh.

Gawd life sucks right now. I wanna bag college and run away. My ex is being a prick, as usual...it just seems like when it rains, it pours.  

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I feel like crap

I can't believe I slept until after noon. It's no wonder I woke up so hungry that I felt like I could singly handedly empty the refrigerator. Probably partially from Aunt Flow stopping by for her monthly visit. My back is so sore. I'm not certain I moved at all last night while sleeping.

So, I finally upgraded to a Blackberry the other day. I got the Storm 2 which I like so far. It's quite a step up from the LG 265 and I'm having to learn the whole touch screen thing in addition to having a phone that does everything in one: PDA, mp3, Internet, shoot,  I don't think I have even touched the surface of what this thing is capable of. But I like it. The music sounds good with my headphones so that saves me the cost of having to get an Ipod Touch for working out ($250). I can sync with my Outlook 2007 so that saves from having to buy a PDA ($400), and I downloaded a free app last night to make my phone a GPS navigational system (my TomTom was about $150) and it offers more than my TomTom and is always up-to-date whereas with TomTom I have to connect it to my laptop and download updates. Not so with the Blackberry Storm 2.

I will have purchased it for about $100 after the rebate though I've had to sign my life away to Verizon (the next two years anyway). My husband went back yesterday and got Droid. I don't like that thing at all. It's perfect for him but more advanced than BB. I'm content with the BB and he is loving his Droid. It's weird that we have different operating systems but cool too because it's like we have the best of both worlds. I have the GPS Navigator but he has an app that shows you what constellations are above you when you point the video camera to the sky...as you move, the screen moves in real time and shows the star placement and outlines them and names each individual star. Not as useful as GPS but freaking cool as hell. I'm sure Droid has a navigation app somewhere similar to BB's but my husband hasn't found it yet. I want a constellation one for BB but haven't found one yet...so we have much room to learn!

Well, I'm PMSing and have a term paper to write so I guess I should get busy. I've kicked my family out of the house for the day so I can get this done. I will be so glad when college is over on May 9th!