Saturday, April 24, 2010

Coming Back Up

One thing that I really hate about being bipolar is having depression. I have been mildly depressed for the last few weeks. But I think I hit my bottom a few days ago. I found myself biting off my son's head because he called me to ask for the phone number of our Youth Pastor. UGH! I hate when I lose it. I feel so bad afterwards. And frustrated.

I should have seen the clues. I've lost interest in school (which I love), sex (which I really love), exercising (which was the highlight of my day), and I've gained about 4 pounds. Life sucks sometimes. I also found myself drinking. Probably could call it binge drinking I suppose. I didn't catch it right away and my husband is too chicken to say anything. But I began to realize it after drinking 6 mojitos in a few hours one night. Damn. I'm certain that only made the depression worse.

So, while the medications are keeping me more stable, I do now know that when I sink, I sink pretty low. Nothing like unloading on your husband, telling him how sick  you are of being a wife and mother and you want to drop out of school and run away and on and on and on...poor guy. I do wish he'd help me when I get like that but I don't think he knows what to do. I did ask him to accompnay me on my next visit to my PNP (Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner). I need to know if I start to sink that he will speak up or get me help if I truly need it. Right now I think I scare him too much and it paralyzes him.

So, I caught my 10-year-old autistic son mimicking smoking. I smacked him on the face and told him never to pretend to do that again. I don't know if I overreacted or not. I didn't smack him hard, but it did get his attention. This occurred after another earlier incident where he asked to take his Boy Scout uniform off because he had a t-shirt underneath and it was warming up a bit after the wind died down. I said "yes" and began helping him with his buttons )he still has problems with fine motor skills. Anyway, he replies, "Good because I'm fucking hot" and it just flowed out of his mouth like it was the most natural thing for him to say. I was stunned.

Well, we spent several hours this evening working on Scouting badges. As we were winding down we talked about his fitness badge (which I decided we were working on after the pretend smoking incident). As we were going through the checklist, it mentioned he needed to explain why smoking and chewing tobacco were harmful to the body. Then he says "I saw something bad in your purse, Mom, when I was getting in the car." Well, I knew what he saw...

He saw cigarettes. A pack of Camel 9's. They've been in there for about 3 weeks. Unopened. I haven't smoked in 7 years. In my psychology class we were discussing media and the way it affects people and I came across the ad for these things and they were so cute. The compaign manager really did an amazing job on this promotion. I was intrigued by the pink & black packaging, the pink camel on each individual cigarette and even more curious about the reviews I read that claimed the cigarettes tasted "fruity" and didn't smell like regular cigarettes., I bought some. And they've sat in my purse ever since. And the little booger saw them. UGH!!!

Seriously, how ingenius was the person behind this marketing scheme? Damn. Now I have to figure out how to explain to my autistic son who has zero comprehension of abstract concepts why I have a pack of cigarettes in my purse when I tell him how bad they are and he gets in trouble for pretending.

Good one Mom! Epic FAIL!


  1. I think you're a bit hard on yourself. ;) Having a autistic child must be quite a challenge... I never had kids because I thought that's what they were... too much of a challenge. ;)

    I've been drinking quite a bit these last weeks too... and having dark thoughts... and pretending life means something... But in times like this, all gets dark and if a truck had the kindness to run over me I would be quite happy with that. ;)

    I am medicated too but I am not bipolar, just chronicly depressed, having "mood troubles" as they say. But sometimes the pills are just not enough and I have to put myself in "standby mode", just to be sure I won't be doing something silly while the situation gets back to normal.

    Like right now after moving, loosing my job, findind a crappy one to replace it, prosecuting my former boss and so on, it becomes too much to cope and I have to regain my balance.

    Ok... sorry... I am supposed to comment on YOUR post ! lol But I find that writing helps me the most in these times. And occupying my mind with silly things like swap-bot really helps me. ;)

    I really love to read your blog. It puts things in perspective for me. Take care, dear.

    Oh, and by the way, my man is not much help either !

  2. i smoke too but I told myself that once I am pregnant, my smoking days must disappear.

  3. Thanks Ladies. I don't mind the comments Touchatou. I find them very helpful. I don't smoke anymore Granny. I quit when I moved here because I smoked outside and it's just too dang cold in the winter (20 to 30 below zero is normal!).

    I don't know why I bought the damn things. I guess because I fell for the seduction of the advertisings. I didn't plan on actually smoking. I guess I just thought they were...pretty...

    Eh, oh well. I guess it just created another education moment and now my son and I hope something to discuss for the next couple weeks...I don't know how long it will be before he lets it go. He can perseverate on something for quite a long time...quite typical of an autie (autistic person).

  4. I'm bipolar too, and what you said about unloading on your husband struck a chord with me. I have talked to my fiancee about this in some of my clearer moments and he says that just knowing that i feel bad about it and that i want to stop unloading on him helps. Ive also found that (with the binge drinking) if i tell my fiancee that i think thats where im headed, he can help remind me after a few drinks that maybe i should stop. Not in a controlling way, but just a gentle reminder. I hope you feel better soon and please contact me if you want to talk, I think we have a lot in common (i also have a brother with special needs). And I hope to run into you on swap-bot wich is where i found you (thegreengriffin).

  5. Ladies, reading you makes me feel better, less alone. Thanks, girls !

  6. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It's a good sign that your son felt free enough to tell you what he saw in your purse and to talk ARE a good mom! =)

    I am Ryleighsmom from SwapBot. I cannot follow your blog. I have created 2 different Google accounts and cannot follow anyone's blog. =( I continue to get an Error Code! I'm sorry! I'll keep trying! I did want you to know I'm here though =)

  7. Hmmm...weird Michelle. I know of one other person having that problem.